Monday, March 14, 2016

Today's Thought: While I Still Have It

So the Chemo-Brain is thick with me today.   I just got home from work and can't recall working.   I can't recall yesterday.   I know I went to my parent's house and we went to some kite event, but I can't remember conversation and I can't remember if we fought, but I feel like we did.    I also feel like I did something wrong at work today, but I can't recall it.   I think this feeling of guilt is the worst part of Chemo-Brain with me because I tend to default to feeling guilty for something usually.   I do remember asking one of my co-workers if they were mad at me today and I think she said no, but I can't shake this feeling of guilt.    I should back up....

July 30, 2013 is the date I was diagnosed with stage 3 rectal cancer that was starting to, but had not yet achieved, spreading.    My radiation and chemo were extreme it seems to combat this.   The treatment ended 6/??/14.   The extremity of my chemo is something my doctor reminds me of at every visit when I ask about this or that being weird with my body.  

Chemo-Brain is a condition long assumed to be imaginary that has since been shown to be real; it is, for lack of a better way to explain it, a fog that envelops your mind and keeps reality at bay.   My memory is unreliable right now because of this fog.   I can't remember things I do sometimes and usually can't recall the details of conversations the next day.   Sometimes I lose track of a conversation mid-sentence.   If distracted in the middle of doing something, I won't remember doing anything.   Things that feel like yesterday were last week and things that feel like last year were yesterday.   I find it easier to watch shows that don't require me to follow a plot, so I tend to find myself re-watching things I know very well instead of diving into new shows. Ink Master has been fun to watch over and over again because I can't remember who wins episodes I have already seen until just before they reveal the winner.   I guess it is more my recall than my memory that has been effected.    I wonder if this is a sample of what Alzheimer's is like.    It effects my mood as well.   I get cranky when I'm in this fog it seems.   I know this because I am cranky today because of the fog and it feels familiar.   I feel like I am lost and screwing things up and I can't help it.

This feeling doesn't last longer than a day or two at a stretch though, so don't start worrying about me or anything.    It used to be worse, so I think I am getting better.    I read it can last 5 years and this has only been 2, so there's that.  I practice remembering things to help too.    My nightly quiz as I lie in bed is to backtrack everything I watched on TV or what games I played; start with the last thing I saw and see how far I can go.   I think this will help me relearn how to remember.

I think the main reason I am writing this today is to ask for patience from my friends and family.   I may seem short, angry, bothered, distracted, or tetchy.    I am not I promise you, but if I seem that way, I am probably in a fog at that moment and I beg you to not take anything I say or do personally.   I am sorry truly.  I am working on getting a handle on this.

1 comment:

joanie78 said...

I love you and understand