I'm not nervous. I'm not concerned. I'm not worried. I am officially scared: hand shaking, nervous gut, obsessive thought scared. I wish I could say I don't know what to expect, but sadly I do and that is what is scaring me. I lost you, didn't I? Let me back up a bit.
February 24th, at 7:30 AM I am having my first colonoscopy through my stoma, but that isn' t what is scaring me. While it is true every other colonoscopy I have had has ended in rather bad news (cancer, cancer again, have to lose most of your rectum, have to lose half your colon, etc), this time I fear the prep.
Have you had a colonoscopy before?
Done the prep? Me too. It sucks with a rectum, but this time I am filling a bag and won't know when I am going until the bag is full.
How often will this happen?
For how long?
Should I just stand in the shower or should I try to keep up with emptying the bag?
What if it goes while I am between bags?
Will it shoot out like a water gun or dribble like a stroke victim?
All of this is running through my mind as well as some other gross questions I won't post here, but as you can see I don't have time to worry about the results yet. I will worry about that starting Wednesday and will worry and worry until I hear otherwise. My PETScan came out clean, but who knows?
FUCK!
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I left you a message, yet it is not here
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