Tuesday, June 30, 2015
It Is Ok, Really
And just like that I'm a cancer patient again. Came in the form of a phone call this time. My doctor called my parents instead of me because he figured it was news I would rather hear from them. Rob being a doctor makes hearing bad news easier. A small polyp was found inside by colon and tested positive for cancer which means my body isn't finished with me yet and my victory laps were premature.
Part of me expected cancer's return and I was waiting for it like a horror movie survivor who suddenly finds themselves in the sequel. It was too easy last time. Everything went far too smoothly and the villain vanquished with far too little of a struggle. He wasn't defeated so much as he simply retreated to regroup.
How should I be responding right now? Crying? Questioning G-d? Self-loathing? Probably all of the above, but instead I am calm, cool, collected. In shock? Perhaps, but I don't think so. I think it is more of this new me with this new outlook. I was, pardon the cliché', transformed by my experiences and am not scared of it this time around. I know the pattern, the game, and the rules this time.
“Do nothing and die or fight and live, but to live you will have to hurt yourself.”
This is the central theme of the Saw franchise, a series I didn't fully “get” until I was diagnosed with cancer. I used to think I didn't mind if I died and, if I were in one of those traps, figured I would have simply just died without a struggle. I have learned not only how much I want to live, but how much there is to love about life. I am not ready to give it up yet. It took cancer to show me this and, much like a survivor of a Jigsaw trap, I have come out the other side with a newfound joy and desire to live.
Nothing is standing in my way; not even my colon. See ya! Good riddance. I hated taking shits anyway.