My Back Yard is Not Mine

Yeah, so...um...FUCK MAN! I saw a monster last night...in my own back-fucking-yard!

As many of you know, there as been quite a lot of rain off and on around these parts...actually, you may not know. There has been quite a lot of rain around these parts lately. We are not talking days of light to medium rain either, but rather seconds of full hurricane rain followed by hours of peaceful calm. The weather has been schizophrenic beyond belief. It is as if the schizophrenia of the weather has developed schizophrenia: awesome cool breezes on Monday followed by importation of Hell's atmosphere on Tuesday. Goto sleep without AC because it is cold outside only to awaken in a sweat-soaked sauna that was once your bed kind of weather. Anyway, weather like we have been having has been known to drive wildlife from the wilds into the comfy confines of suburbia, and that happened last night.

11 o'clock last night, I am happily watching my News Radio Third Season DVD set when my cats begin acting strange. Considering how strange my cats are normally, this "strange behavior" would include them huddling together, pacing by the sliding glass door, standing on hind legs, meowing non-stop to one another, and trying to open my back door. They did not hiss at each other once which told me there was a common enemy in my back yard. This is normally one of the neighborhood cats trying to claim the awesome cat-friendly tree in my backyard as theirs, a common occurrence, but not tonight. No, tonight I saw a monster.

The tree shook as it dug its way out of the thick brush surrounding the palm. I saw its head first and thought "that is a small possum" as it continued its climb, and it kept coming and coming and coming. Grey with black eyes and tiny ears and a bald tail: this was the biggest fucking rat I have ever seen in my life! It dwarfed my cats in comparison.

I stood there frozen in fear as the beast climbed out of the brush and made its way to the cement wall dividing my area from my neighbors. It stared at me and I at it; neither of us sure what we were supposed to do next and petrified of one another. The tension was broken by my neighbor taking their garbage outside which attracted this gargantuan rat to their property and allowed my legs to finally carry me back inside.

A quick and paniced search of my house soon followed for anything and any place that could help that beast get into my house. I looked in closets in dire fear of finding a hole because that would mean no sleep that night. Luckily, I found nothing, but I still have no clue what the fuck I am supposed to do now. My cats love going outside, but if that beast has laid claim to my home, what do I do?