My Long Lost Story

It's Always Sunny....    The Gang Goes Michael Vick

11:23 am On a Wednesday   In Philadelphia 

Dennis, Charlie, and Frank are in Paddy's Pub discussing various sports figures and their falls from grace.   Being in Philly, Michael Vick comes up as a topic and they debate whether he actually broke any laws. Dennis thinks it is Philly that is bad for sports figures and cites Pete Rose.   Charlie and Frank take offense at putting Pete Rose in the same class as Michael Vick as they don't believe dog fighting is illegal if the dog isn't your pet.   Dennis agrees but points out that, like Pete Rose, Michael Vick also bet on the dog fighting bringing Frank and Charlie into agreement.

Charlie: You can never predict who will fall these days.

Frank:  Or any day.

Dennis:  Who saw Michael Vick fall?

Charlie:  I sure didn't.

Dennis:  Nobody did, that's my point.  And Pete Rose too.  I tell you what I think; I think Philly is bad for sports figures.

Frank:  Woah there!   Are you actually putting Pete Rose in the same class as Michael Vick?

Charlie:  Yeah, cause one plays football and the other plays another entirely different sport.

Frank:  No Charlie, he is talking about dog fighting.

Charlie:  Pete Rose was into dog fighting too?

Frank:  No Charlie, Pete Rose gambled and Michael Vick fought dogs.

Charlie:  Since when is dog fighting a crime?

Dennis:  Since always.

Frank:  Yeah, but only if the dog is a pet.  

Dennis:  Well naturally, a trained dog fighter can fight.   Who would even want to see a Poodle or little Taco dog fight, but I would like to point out that Michael Vick also bet on the fights.

Frank and Charlie:  Ah!

Charlie:  You can't bet if you own the dog?

Dennis:  No, you can't gamble if you play professional sports.

During the debate, Dee enters with a dog she found outside the bar and brings it in.   It is a cute and non-descriptive mutt; medium build, harmless looking.    She intrudes into the debate and says that clearly, both men were wrong because they bet, but Michael Vick was also wrong in that he was cruel to dogs.   

Frank asks how he was cruel to dogs, pointing out that, to fight, they have to be trained, fed well, and in great shape, so they must be better cared for than random wandering dogs like the one she found. While Dee and Frank debate the merits of dog fighting, Dennis and Charlie begin to show affection to the dog as Mac enters to grab a bottle,thick with his cologne, before his date with....nobody (Carmen). Instantly the dog charges at Mac who must flip over the bar and run to the back office to avoid being eaten.   The dog, previously cute and mellow, begins growling and clawing at the door.

Dennis, looking at the action comments “maybe Philly brings out the worst in dogs too.”

Frank smiles with glee as he suddenly has a wonderful idea...

"The Gang Goes Michael Vick"

The dog and Mac switch places (the dog gets locked in the office for the moment) as Dee tries to explain to Frank and Charlie how they can't use the dog for fighting because it is illegal.   Charlie insists it  isn't because, if it were, then how could Michael Vick be playing football?   Mac says he went to jail to which Frank responds that he was charged with gambling,  they don't allow felons in the NFL.  

Eventually, it falls to Dee to trump them all by saying she found the dog and she will decide what to do with it and she wants to keep it.

Dee:  Well, I am taking this dog home with me and that makes him a pet which trumps any dog fighting plans you may or may not have had, so there!

Mac: Of course you are keeping the dog.

Dee:  What does that mean?

Mac:  What?

Dee: You said “Of course” I am keeping the dog.

Mac: Right.  Of course, you are keeping it.   You are selfish.

Dee:  I am not

Mac:  You are too!

Dee:  I am giving this dog a better life.  It was living on the streets!

Mac:  You are giving yourself a free pet.

Dee takes it to her house, where it proceeds to destroy everything in sight including some shoes she just bought, can't afford, and has not yet worn.   She manages to calm it down with 6 beers and takes a photo of the dog and calls Mac to help her find the dog's owner so she can prove to him she is not selfish, not mentioning the chaos the dog has created in her home.

Frank, Charlie, and Dennis are in Paddy's basement, preparing what they imagine a “dog fighting ring” would look like and planning how to get the dog.   The plans becomes: Dennis calls Dee's cellphone and gives her a lame excuse to get her to come to Paddy's.   To his pleasant surprise, she can't because she is making fliers to find the dog's owner with Mac, “like a good person does.”   Dennis gives Frank and Charlie  the all clear to break into her apartment only to find the passed out dog.

Dee with Mac's help posts pictures of the dog all over Philly with the bar's number and address on it as Frank, Dennis, and Charlie, in Dee's apartment, try to get the dog to re-enact what it displayed before.   Instead, they get a drunk and unmotivated dog.    

Dee again brings up the debate and Mac agrees the debate was stupid, but he misunderstands which side Dee was on and actually agrees dog fighting is not illegal if you raise the dog specifically for dog fighting.   He does agree using the dog Dee found is wrong, but more because he doesn't know how much training it has had.

Dee:  Can you believe those boners?   How dumb can you be?

Mac:  Yeah, there is no way this dog could fight.

Dee:  What?

Mac: This dog could never fight.

Dee:  No dog should fight.

Mac:  Not without proper training, no, but a trained dog can have a great life.

Dee:  Oh my...what...really?

Mac:  There is a lot of money in dog fighting and, a winning dog is worth more than gold Dee.

Dee: And the losing dog?

Mac:  I am sure they have a thorough and complete retirement package for dogs.

Dee: They die, Mac!  The losing dog dies.   That is how the fight ends.

Mac:  There is no way a referee would let a fight go that far.  Sure, it may happen once in a while...

Dee: Once in a while?

Mac:  Yes, once in a while.   It is a violent sport, but people have died boxing before and I don't hear you crying out against that or saying it is illegal to box.

Dee:  It is called “Assault” outside a ring.

Mac:  And inside a ring, it is called “boxing,” just like inside a ring, this is called “dog fighting.” 

Dee:  So why did Michael Vick go to jail then?

Mac:  He bet on the dog.   Just like all professional sports, gambling within an organization is frowned on.  Look at Pete Rose.

After much trial and error, Frank realizes it is probably Mac's smell that pissed the dog off, and so they go to Dennis and Mac's apartment to let the dog loose in Mac's room to find which of Mac's many odors the dog hated the most.

After hanging up exactly 4 fliers, Dee and Mac decide it is too hot at that time to do a good job and that they should go back to the bar and see if anyone had called about the 4 they hung up, have a beer, and start when it is darker, thus cooler outside.

Back to Frank, Dennis, and Charlie: the dog has thus far torn apart and shat all over Mac's bed, ripped a few shirts leading Frank to think it is Mac's pits that does it; also utterly destroyed four pairs of boots convincing Charlie it is Mac's feet as the dog did two pairs, did a shirt, then returned to do two more "as if to get the taste out of his nose."   The dog finally knocks over the nightstand that holds Mac's ultra cheap cologne all over the pillow and the dog soon forgets everything else in the room and leaves barely a shred of the pillow as the guys celebrate finding the magic dog fighting ingredient and decide to head back to Paddy's for a drink and to finish converting the basement into a dog fighting ring.    Frank says he has to make some calls (to his Vietnamese buddies.)

It suddenly occurs to Frank that they don't know for certain the scent will work on a living thing.  The dog was already kind of going crazy when it attacked the pillow.  They need a human subject to test it on.

As Dee and Mac arrive at Paddy's, so does a beautiful girl who claims the dog belongs to her.  In fact, she says the dog was never lost at all, but rather tied to a post while she went into a store for cigarettes.   Dee asks if there is a reward for finding the dog which the owner points out was not lost until Dee took him.   Dee points out the dog ruined her shoes and the owner responds the dog would not have if Dee had left it alone.  Dee then asks how much would she be willing to give her.   When the response is “nothing,” Dee turn reward into ransom and asks again.

Mac, on the other hand, finds the girl incredibly attractive and steps in to be the hero and tells the girl he can help find the dog.   She becomes very appreciative to Mac as he says Dee was only joking about the ransom thing, the dog is at Dee's apartment and they can go get it then go get some dinner.

Frank and Charlie have gone to Cricket's tunnel home to tell him they found out the secret to getting Dee: this cologne.   The smell drives her nuts and she just has to bone whatever is wearing it.   They are telling him about this as their way to apologize for all that they did to him.   They feel terrible and would like nothing more than for him to finally be with Dee once and for all.  Meanwhile, Dennis is holding the dog outside the tunnel just out of sight.

Dee, Mac, and the girl arrive at Dee's apartment to find it trashed even more than when she left and without a dog.   Mac asks where it is and Dee explains that she has no idea: she left it passed out drunk.   This does not sit well with the owner.  Dee tries to justify it as the only way to save the rest of her things from destruction; Mac says he would never give a dog alcohol and would have placed it in a bathroom as he dog-proofed the house.

As they argue about where the dog is and the merits of getting a dog drunk, Mac finds a note from Charlie saying they took the dog to train it to fight.   They decide they need to head to Paddy's because it is the ONLY place Charlie, Dennis, and Frank could go with a slightly drunk dog.

As they leave Dee's building, they see Cricket running frantically down the street.  Before they can wonder what that was about, the girl points out that it's her dog who is now seen rounding the corner chasing Cricket.   Dee and Mac turn to ask one another what is going on as Charlie, Dennis, and Frank, gun in hand, round the corner and stop at Dee and Mac.   Frank quickly hides the gun when he notices the girl.

The girl confused and pissed off by the news of dog fighting, drunk dogs, ransom, a short man with a gun chasing her dog, and now a homeless priest being chased by her dog, demands to know what is going on.

Mac, still trying to win the girl over, take charge and says "Well, you see..."

He is cut off by Charlie saying "the dog is coming back."

Mac turns, sees the dog is charging full force at him, says "Oh Shit" and runs off.

END