Thursday, September 15, 2016
Exclusive KHWL interview with 2016 Presidential hopeful, Brad Schader.
Kanrei: Hello, and welcome to KHWL, the Home for Wayward Lemmings here on the internet. I am Kanrei and I am pleased to have with us today the latest entry into the 2016 Presidential Farce, Brad Schader. Hello and welcome.
Brad Schader: Thank you and thanks for having me.
K: It has been a very interesting Presidential cycle this year, hasn't it?
BS: Yes, it has.
K: And now you wish to add to the chaos of the season?
BS: Yes, I feel it is essential that the people of America have as many options as your standard all-you-can-eat buffet.
K: And of equal quality I assume.
BS: Yes, and can I object to your starting every quote from me with a BS marking?
K: Aren't you seeking the office of the President?
K: Then the BS marking stands. So, let's start off with a simple question- what party are you a member of?
K: No party?
BS: I've never been invited to a party.
K: That's kinda sad.
BS: Not for the people throwing those parties.
K: So, without a party to define yourself and your positions, how do you expect America to know where you stand on the issues?
BS: I'm not sure issues matter this election really.
BS: I am not sure issues matter this election. Look, in November America is going to get a new President and it will probably be Clinton or Trump, two people nobody likes and fewer people trust...
BS: So all I need to do is beat two people everyone hates. Nobody knows me at all, so I already start off with an approval benefit. Nobody disapproves of me yet because nobody knows me.
K: And that is why you agreed to this interview?
K: OK, so, as President, what is the first thing you plan to do?
BS: Change the title.
K: The title? Of what?
BS: The Office of the President. I won't be called “President Schader.”
BS: No, I am going for Darth Schader; Dark Lord of America. The people may refer to me as “Sir,” “Lord Schader,” or “Darth.”
K: That sounds kinda omnimous.
BS: Not at all; it's nostalgic. Everyone loves Star Wars.
K: So why not model yourself after one of the heroes?
BS: My name is Schader.
K: OK, moving on. So what is the central theme of your platform?
BS: Transparency and equality.
K: Those are standard rhetorical non-answers we expect from candidates. Can you elaborate?
BS: I believe the people own the White House and own its occupant, so I will constantly be open to new donations.
K: Sounds like “pay-to-play.”
BS: Doesn't it? Easy to remember.
K: So the rich will have you in their pockets so long as they pay?
BS: Not at all. See, I won't go by dollar amounts of donations, but I will base my access on percent of pretax income donated to MY Foundation. I think a standard 10% donation to MY Foundation would be sufficient.
K: Your foundation?
K: And what is the name of your foundation?
BS: MY Foundation.
K: Yes, the name?
BS: Let's not owe Abbot and Costello money please; the foundation is called “MY Foundation.”
K: As in “M” and “Y?”
BS: Yes, as in “Money” and “Yours.”
K: And what is the goal of this foundation? What is its mission statement?
BS: To make your money, my money.
K: And so long as the 10% mark is hit, you will give access?
K: So where does the transparency factor into your platform?
BS: I am open and honest about my being for sale.
K: Let's move on to the economy. What do you plan to do to help workers who are losing their jobs as companies move overseas?
BS: Well, I plan to form the Federal Bureau of Travel. See, the internet has placed many travel agents out of work, so I plan to hire them to aid the American worker in getting cheap airfare to the countries where the jobs are going. Simple, right? We love to travel. A big complaint about most Americans is how little we travel outside of America. We complain about a lack of jobs in America. Most people see problems; I see a two dead birds and a stone.
K: OK...I think we've reached the point in this interview that nobody is still reading it, so I think it is time to save the few readers I have left at this point and end this.
BS: Thank you for the time.