And just like that I'm a cancer patient
again. Came in the form of a phone call this time. My doctor
called my parents instead of me because he figured it was news I
would rather hear from them. Rob being a doctor makes hearing bad
news easier. A small polyp was found inside by colon and tested
positive for cancer which means my body isn't finished with me yet
and my victory laps were premature.
Part of me expected cancer's return and
I was waiting for it like a horror movie survivor who suddenly finds
themselves in the sequel. It was too easy last time. Everything
went far too smoothly and the villain vanquished with far too little
of a struggle. He wasn't defeated so much as he simply retreated to
regroup.
How should I be responding right now?
Crying? Questioning G-d? Self-loathing? Probably all of the
above, but instead I am calm, cool, collected. In shock? Perhaps,
but I don't think so. I think it is more of this new me with this
new outlook. I was, pardon the cliché', transformed by my
experiences and am not scared of it this time around. I know the
pattern, the game, and the rules this time.
“Do nothing and die or fight and
live, but to live you will have to hurt yourself.”
This is the central theme of the Saw
franchise, a series I didn't fully “get” until I was diagnosed
with cancer. I used to think I didn't mind if I died and, if I were
in one of those traps, figured I would have simply just died without
a struggle. I have learned not only how much I want to live, but
how much there is to love about life. I am not ready to give it up
yet. It took cancer to show me this and, much like a survivor of a
Jigsaw trap, I have come out the other side with a newfound joy and
desire to live.
Nothing is standing in my way; not even
my colon. See ya! Good riddance. I hated taking shits anyway.
