Relapse of Sorts

Is today a failure or another aspect of a success? That is a question for the ages that will never be answered fully, nor will any proposed answer ever really make everyone feel a sense of closure, but it is the question for today because today I failed and succeeded and I am not sure how to label the day in the context of my life’s story. You see, today I lit a cigarette, but did not smoke it. Did I fail because I wanted, found, and lit a cigarette or is today a success because I held a lit cigarette in my hand yet did not smoke it? I guess this is another one of those “perspective” things.

I am not having a Smurfy day today. It is not exactly 100% un-Smurfy, but there is a definite lack of Smurfyness going on; not a total saturation of that old Smurfy-vibe. Techs seem to think today is Friday based on how lethargic they are to work and a lack of communication among co-workers can cause a very contagious strain of stress to spread rather easily. It soon overcame my nerves and sent me into the default “I really need a cigarette” mode.

Outside I stood (channeling Yoda, sorry) with a cigarette in hand and I did the unthinkable; I lit it. I took a drag and felt….nothing. I took a second drag and felt….guilt. A third drag convinced me that all I was doing was making me a foul-smelling pissed off person instead of the calm person I was hoping for. I put it out and returned to work feeling…proud except I stink now. How can three drags off a cigarette make my shirt smell like an ashtray so quickly?

I know that I am not a smoker any more. It tasted like shit and smelled like it too. The motions involved in smoking did not feel natural either. I could tell I was forcing myself to take those three drags. So, did I fail because I lit a cigarette during a time of extreme stress or did I succeed because I did not smoke it and returned to work?

Smoking (Or Lack There Of) Update

I avoided my computer this weekend after reading Scary Monster's post. It made sense to me and it worked. I did not smoke a single cigarette all weekend. In fact, I cannot remember the last cigarette I smoked. The habit is kicking my ass off and on, but I have beat it mostly. I am not saying I am never going to smoke again, but I think that is a possibility.

More later. Just got into work

I Think I Can. I Think I Can. I Know I Can. I Know I Can. I Knew I Could! I Knew I Could!

It is now officially 28 hours since I had my last cigarette and, while my hands are still shaking, I am not the bundle of 24-hour a day stress I was last week. Yes, stress is still my roommate and not the most courteous of roommates I have had either, but I have had worse. This roommate I at least know is going to actually leave one day soon. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and we ain’t talking about the Tunnel of Love either. I cannot wait to be tunnel-free and back in the light of day.

For the first time I really know I can make it: not believe I can or think I can, but KNOW I can and that is a powerful feeling unto itself. Pass or fail in the long run, I have succeeded far more than I ever dreamt I could. I have found inner-strength I never knew I had. I cannot believe I actually have willpower when push comes to shove. Whodathunkit?

All I need now is for this blasted headache to go away. I wonder if I’m getting sick. Imagine the sheer hell of getting ill while withdrawing from cigarettes. Does anyone know how long it takes to get over nicotine anyway or am I going to feel like this for the rest of my life? Forgetful and tired with a pounding headache is almost enough to make a person smoke after all.

P.S.- Sorry About the Earworm-orm-orm-yeah-yeah-yeah

A minor hiccup on the road to health yesterday, but overall things are going great. Yesterday was a test day and I mostly passed; not totally, but mostly and a small victory is still a victory. I am proud of myself for how little I smoked yesterday instead of being upset with myself for smoking at all. It was one of those days after all.

The day started the night before with my being my usual stupid self. The pill is to be taken ONLY twice a day with one dose in the morning and one at night. Being the idiot I seem to play made it so that I forgot taking one of my pills Sunday. This lead to a double dose and rather intense side-effects- dizziness, nausea- I won’t make that mistake again, but it did mean I could not take my morning dose the next day. I fear overdosing on medication so it was going to be up to my self-control to keep me cig-free the following day.

The following morning I awoke bright-eyed and bushy-tailed only to see my rear tires were neither- they were flaccid and depressed. I think “flat” is a better term to use, but less artistic. I got a post to fill up here and simply calling my tire “flat” just won’t cut it. The cigarettes began calling me immediately and I did answer the call more than once as I waited for my tires to be changed. You see, one spare I have, but two I did not.

Yes, they were slowly losing air for a while now, but they were not flat until Monday. Don’t ask me why I waited until they were flat to change my tires, but I did and I smoked three cigarettes while I waited the four hours for my car. I literally had nothing else to do. They were 100% pure bored smokes and not continued nicotine slavery. I am almost emancipated from that with only the remnants of habit remaining. Three is a major shift from a pack a day.

Today I am thinking I can make it for the first time. I am still not 100% behind my quitting, but I think I passed the 80% mark today. Slow progress is still progress I feel. If I can survive a day at the mechanics and not add links to my chain of smoke then I can suffer anything and remain smoke-free, well, nicotine free. No point in going crazy here or anything...

More later. Smoke ‘em if you got ‘em.

Sigh...I Miss You

It feels like defeat. I know it shouldn't, but it does. It should feel like release or joy, but the truth is that it doesn't; it feels like defeat. I feel like I am losing something that has been important to me for a long time. I feel like that cliché woman standing at the train depot seeing her lover off to war knowing she will never see him again. It is that same longing I feel right now as I put out my last cigarette. Even those words “last cigarette” brings a pain to my heart.

This last week has been easy since I have not really had to stop smoking. Sure I would go hours without smoking without a problem, but I always knew I could light one at any time if I wanted to. That made it so much easier not to smoke, but now, starting when I wake up tomorrow I am forbidden to have any cigarettes.

I honestly don't know if I am mentally strong enough to go through with it. The pills have done a great job with the nicotine part of the problem, but I enjoy the ritual of smoking. I am going to miss the ritual, those conversations with total strangers that one can only have when forced outside with the other social lepers, the breaks during the work day, and just something to do with my hands in public that won't bring stares or arrest. I know I am going to feel better, but am I really ready?

My pack has four cigarettes left in it. I have four cigarettes to encase in glass for my trophy. I would so much rather smoke them. Strength Kanrei, strength. Find that central voice and focus. I can do this. Ohm, praise Jesus, Shabbat Shalom, and anything else you can thing of. Time for sleep. I already miss smoking.

More later. Smoke 'em if you got 'em cause I can't.

And the Heat Goes On Where The Hands Has Been

The “Great Smoke Out” rages on and, unlike other “Great Smoke Outs” I have been apart of in the past, there is no risk of incarceration with this one. In fact, my parents are actually supporting me in this one and helping out financially with the cost of the drugs. My parents buying me drugs…oh how times have changed.

First let’s get the side effect saga out of the way- they are continuing pretty much unabated. This could be due to the fact that yesterday was the first “double dose day” and those side effects I got used to just got a recharge. I am not positive, but they are more minor inconveniences rather than full-on dilemmas worthy of worry. I have had headaches and stomach problems before and I am sure I will have them again so having them now is really just a rehearsal for when I get sick next time. A little discomfort is worth the trade for the smoke free years to come.

As far as smoking goes, I am lighting almost exactly the same number of cigarettes I lit last week, but I am smoking a whole lot less of them. I have gone from being a cigarette smoker to being a cigarette lighter. Expensive yes, but much more healthy and I know that Wednesday is my last day of lighting them. After that I will be on a steady diet of lollipops to help combat the oral fixation I already know the pills will not be helping with. My poor pens cannot wait until I get those suckers.

The bright and happy news is that I have already bought my last pack of cigarettes. With a little luck I will even have a few left on Thursday to have encased in glass. Yes, the same idea from “The War of the Roses.” I always loved that DeVito’s character in that movie had his last cigarette, his “next cigarette”, encased in glass. He promised himself that the next cigarette he would smoke would be that one and he could not smoke that one because he had it encased in glass. As a result, he never smoked again. I plan on doing the same exact thing. A trophy I am going to give myself for a job well done.

A reward for quitting something: oh the irony.

More later. Smoke ‘em if you got ‘em.

Diary of a Guinea Pig Part II

Today is day two of “The Great Pill to Quit Smoking Experiment 2007” and I am still alive. No flipper babies or strange voices in my head or anything; well, not new strange voices. Herbie is still there with Mauve and Phyllis. I am not sure where Eugene wandered off to, but I am sure he will return eventually. He always does.

Today I took half my usual Prozac does to go with the “Great Pill to Quit Smoking” and my spaciness did slightly diminish, but not entirely. I think that means it is the new pill doing it to me and I just need to ride it out. If it continues on Sunday I am going to quit the pill, but not my quest to quit smoking.

On the quitting front I think the pill is working. Cigarettes taste different today. They leave a nasty “school milk” aftertaste in my mouth. I really can't stand to finish them, but soon want one because my nicotine craving was not yet satisfied. This means more cigs lit while less smoked. I suppose each day I will light less until I don't light any at all. Might be worth riding the side effects out.

More later. Smoke 'em if you got 'em.

It Begins

I did it finally! I started the “quit smoking” pill this morning after two weeks of not filling the script and two days of putting off starting. I feel….intoxicated. Not fully drunk or stoned, but just mellow. I cannot concentrate fully right now on things so I am very happy for the light day of work today. I have yawned thirteen times in the last hour for example.

I am still smoking today and should be for the next seven days. Next Thursday is the magic day for me and July 4th the last nicotine day of my life. I feel more confident in my decision to quit smoking today, but I am also fearful of the side effects to come. More later, I am feeling a bit spacey right now. I wonder if I should quit the Prozac while I am on these new pills.

Smoke ‘em if you got ‘em.

UPDATE I just got off the phone with the company that makes the pill. It seems no testing was done to see the possible effects of Prozac on people taking it so I am the offical testing bunny. They are going to call my doctor in a few weeks to check and see how I am doing. The side effects I have felt thus far are new to them however so it can be anything. Tomorrow I skip my Prozac to see if the effects continue. If they do then it is probably the pill; if they don't then it is the interaction of the two and something will have to be planned. More later.

This is The End/ Carcinogenic Friend, The End

It begins tomorrow. It was supposed to begin this morning, but I chickened out at the last minute. I have the pills. I filled my prescription yesterday at lunch. Life changing events tend to be rather scary sometimes and easy to put off.

They claim it will only take seven days to quit smoking once I start taking them, although I will have to remain on the pill for up to twelve weeks to guarantee no more smoking. I think that is what is scaring me the most to be perfectly frank- quitting in seven days. In one week a friend of sixteen years will be out of my life forever. Yes, a friend that has been slowly killing me, but a friend just the same.

This friend has been there to give me breaks when the work day gets to stressful or boring. This friend has been there every morning with me and said goodnight to me every evening. This friend has comforted me when I was down and helped me celebrate when I was up. I am going to miss this friend more than I realized when I agreed to end our relationship.

Funny how the right thing to do never feels right, isn’t it? I mean we all know veggies are better for us than chocolate, but which would we honestly rather eat? We know stories about certain celebrities will only cause us to become just a tad bit dumber, but we still read them. I knew smoking was bad for me long before I took my first drag, but I still did and I am a fairly smart guy. The stupid path is just so much easier to take most of the time.

Well, procrastination must end at some point in time and I suppose there is no time like the present; or rather the soon to be present. I am still at work and do not have the pills with me here, but I suppose I should start right after dinner tonight. The pills say to only take them on a full stomach. Wish me luck.