Kanrei: Hello, and
welcome to KHWL, the Home for Wayward Lemmings here on the internet.
I am Kanrei and I am pleased to have with us today the latest entry
into the 2016 Presidential Farce, Brad Schader. Hello and welcome.
Brad Schader: Thank
you and thanks for having me.
K: It has been a
very interesting Presidential cycle this year, hasn't it?
BS: Yes, it has.
K: And now you wish
to add to the chaos of the season?
BS: Yes, I feel it
is essential that the people of America have as many options as your
standard all-you-can-eat buffet.
K: And of equal
quality I assume.
BS: Yes, and can I
object to your starting every quote from me with a BS marking?
K: Aren't you
seeking the office of the President?
BS: Yes.
K: Then the BS
marking stands. So, let's start off with a simple question- what
party are you a member of?
BS: None.
K: No party?
BS: I've never been
invited to a party.
K: That's kinda
sad.
BS: Not for the
people throwing those parties.
K: So, without a
party to define yourself and your positions, how do you expect
America to know where you stand on the issues?
BS: I'm not sure
issues matter this election really.
K: WHAT?
BS: I am not sure
issues matter this election. Look, in November America is going to
get a new President and it will probably be Clinton or Trump, two
people nobody likes and fewer people trust...
K: OK?
BS: So all I need
to do is beat two people everyone hates. Nobody knows me at all, so
I already start off with an approval benefit. Nobody disapproves of
me yet because nobody knows me.
K: And that is why
you agreed to this interview?
BS: Yes.
K: OK, so, as
President, what is the first thing you plan to do?
BS: Change the
title.
K: The title? Of
what?
BS: The Office of
the President. I won't be called “President Schader.”
K: Oh?
BS: No, I am going
for Darth Schader; Dark Lord of America. The people may refer to me
as “Sir,” “Lord Schader,” or “Darth.”
K: That sounds
kinda omnimous.
BS: Not at all;
it's nostalgic. Everyone loves Star Wars.
K: So why not model
yourself after one of the heroes?
BS: My name is
Schader.
K: OK, moving on.
So what is the central theme of your platform?
BS: Transparency
and equality.
K: Those are
standard rhetorical non-answers we expect from candidates. Can you
elaborate?
BS: I believe the
people own the White House and own its occupant, so I will constantly
be open to new donations.
K: Sounds like
“pay-to-play.”
BS: Doesn't it?
Easy to remember.
K: So the rich will
have you in their pockets so long as they pay?
BS: Not at all.
See, I won't go by dollar amounts of donations, but I will base my
access on percent of pretax income donated to MY Foundation. I
think a standard 10% donation to MY Foundation would be sufficient.
K: Your foundation?
BS: Yes.
K: And what is the
name of your foundation?
BS: MY Foundation.
K: Yes, the name?
BS: Let's not owe
Abbot and Costello money please; the foundation is called “MY
Foundation.”
K: As in “M”
and “Y?”
BS: Yes, as in
“Money” and “Yours.”
K: And what is the
goal of this foundation? What is its mission statement?
BS: To make your
money, my money.
K: And so long as
the 10% mark is hit, you will give access?
BS: Exactly.
K: So where does
the transparency factor into your platform?
BS: I am open and
honest about my being for sale.
K: Let's move on to
the economy. What do you plan to do to help workers who are losing
their jobs as companies move overseas?
BS: Well, I plan to
form the Federal Bureau of Travel. See, the internet has placed many
travel agents out of work, so I plan to hire them to aid the American
worker in getting cheap airfare to the countries where the jobs are
going. Simple, right? We love to travel. A big complaint about
most Americans is how little we travel outside of America. We
complain about a lack of jobs in America. Most people see problems;
I see a two dead birds and a stone.
K: OK...I think
we've reached the point in this interview that nobody is still
reading it, so I think it is time to save the few readers I have left
at this point and end this.
BS: Thank you for
the time.
