Today's Theme: I HATE YOU AT&T!!!

Oh my yes AT&T, how I loath you. I wish I could hate you more than I already do, as I have hated you this deeply for so long that it is losing it's thrill, but there is no lower level to my hate yet. You have passed Hitler. You have passed Spice Girls. You have even passed that baby crying in the back row of Shutter Island, and that takes skill. I hate you like Kirk hated Khan; like Jerry hated Tom; like Palin hates thinking.

It is not enough to suck completely at every facet of what you claim to do, my dear AT&T, but you take pride in your sucking. You brag about the "Retention Department" as if having so many people threatening to quit your service that you had to start a subsection of customer service is a good thing. Most companies don't piss off their clients to the point of wanting to quit the service on such a frequent basis. You should look into it.

Here is a novel idea by the way: fire all your customer service people and promote the Retention Department to the front lines? It has gotten to the point now that, when I call you, I just ask for them right out since 9 out of 10 of my calls to you ends up there anyway. It makes me feel bad for them since they are usually quite nice and I am usually quite pissed after dealing with: first, finding your number; second, the "press one, now press three, did you mean two" menu I have to navigate; third, the inbred who answers the phone; fourth, the "non-caring floor supervisor" who did the inbreeding; and then the brilliance of the manager who says there is nothing he can do. Somehow, Retention ALWAYS fixes the problem.

Dealing with you first thing on a Friday is not the way I want to start my weekend. You are on notice now that I am seeking an alternative. I have found Comcast for my internet; I already canceled my DirecTv, and, once I find a new home phone, you can kiss my ass AT&T!

You suck rotten pig eggs in the deepest corpuscles of Hell.

Dr Seuss

There are spots in my memory that can never be replaced
And these are the things with who I am are interlaced
So, from the Zax, to the the Lorax, to the Sam that I am
From the places I'll go and the things I will plan
From the made up words that somehow made sense
To the warring butter parties on opposite sides of the fence
With Sneeches who happen to love their stars
To Sneeches who have none upon thar's
The Who hearing Horton up in the nest
To the turtle stuck on the bottom, just wanting a rest
From the 5000 Fingers of Dr T
To the Cat in the Hat with Things 1, 2, and me
Happy Birthday Theodor Geisel better known as Dr Seuss
You were a "one of a kind" they will never reproduce.


Slightly weak I know, but I am at work and didn't have long to write it.

Reasoned Rational Reaction

It's so hard to glimpse at Heaven
When you know you're on the path to Hell
And it is futile to understand the reasons
When the pain you know too well
And the strength that once was your armor
Becomes a prison for your soul
An empty ceramic vessel
Where violent thoughts seek control
Directionless anger battering
Against the walls of reasoned rational thought
Forcing your gaze on the things you lack
Instead of shining the spotlight on what you've got
Repetitive in the redundancy
The redundant path to dismay
I willingly walk the corridor
Try to follow
I will show the way

One Day...

One day, on the green grassy ground there stood a furry bunny named Blabbido. Why "Blabbido?" Because bunnies only speak Bunny and of course it would sound weird to you; you are a human. It sounded weird to me the first time I heard the story too.

I said "Blabbido?! What the fu..." well, you get the point. It stopped the story dead in it's tracks due to my confusion over Blabbido. I had to ask the person telling it to me to spell Blabbido for me, as I intended to make it a blog post someday. Lucky for you I am writing it instead of orally telling you so that you don't have to guess as to the proper spelling of Blabbido. One day I hope to make the tale a blog post, but I digress..

There was, on the green grassy ground, a brown furry bunny named Blabbido. I did mention he was brown before, right? Not that it is an important detail or anything, but I would hate to cause the story to pause again due to losing you so early on.

Ok, on the green grassy ground, a brown furry bunny named Blabbido hopped along a secret trail only seen by furry bunnies. It was odd that the fuzzy bunnies couldn't see it, but they were not really known for their powers of observation. This is no slight against the fuzzy bunnies I assure you; it is just that the fuzzy tends to cover the eyes. You see, fuzzy is far less manageable than furry. Even rabbits have bad hare days....get it? Fine, back to the tail. Not funny either, huh?

One day, on the green grassy ground, a brown furry bunny named Blabbido hopped along a secret trail only seen by furry bunnies when he heard a squawk from above. He looked up to see a brown feathery hawk circling above his head. Again, the color is not really relevant to the story, so don't bother remembering it or looking for some deep symbolic meaning or anything. To be honest, I think most hawks are brown.

So Blabbido sees a hawk above his head and he notices, off in the distance, is a herd of fuzzy bunnies grazing in a special "fuzzy bunny section" of the field.

I don't mean to imply the fuzzy bunnies are fat or in any way "cow-like" by my use of the words "herd" and "grazing;" I just am not sure what to call a bundle of bunnies. I guess I could have said "bundle of bunnies" in retrospect. If only there was some way to delete that and re-write it.

Anyway, unlike furry bunnies, the fuzzy bunnies did have issues with the furry bunnies and did see themselves as superior. It was not really their fault though; remember the obstructed vision problem of the fuzzy bunny.

So Blabbido, who sees a hawk above his head, runs off to join the heard of fuzzy bunnies. The fuzzy bunnies see Blabbido and run off in a bigoted panic. The hawk, let's name him Squawk, swoops down to grab Blabbido, misses and, in the chaos, grabs a fuzzy bunny for dinner instead.

Did Blabbido cause the death of the fuzzy bunny?

Did Squawk?

Did the fuzzy bunny's bigotry?

I would like 5000 words on this; double spaced; old English, by Monday. Thank you and have a great weekend.

The Procrastination Post

Coming soon...

The Bored Post

I am bored with nothing to do. And before you suggest it mom, there is no way in Hell I am starting any sort of cleaning project at 9:13 PM on a Monday. Actually, the Monday part is irrelevant because there really is no day I would start any sort of cleaning project at 9:13 PM. Come to think of it, the PM is not really necessary either since there is absolutely zero chance of me cleaning anything at 9:13 AM, so I guess I can just say there is no chance of any cleaning occurring at 9:13, be it day or night, rain or shine, 365 days a year. And YES, I will clean at 9:13 on a Leap Year if the mood happens to strike me and the moon is full on that night.

Based on the above, one of three distinct options has to have crossed your mind: 1) I am really bored; 2) I am not sober; 3) I am slightly disturbed mentally; or all of the abov....shit, that is four distinct options technically.

I think there are flies fucking in another room. I am going to go watch. Insect porn live and in 3D! Who can deny it?