The Kanrei Home for Wayward Lemmings

Obama's First Term in a Single Photo: Both Pro and Con

2012-01-23T15:25:00.002-05:00

I seriously like this photo. I really think it sums his first term up so perfectly

Pro-Obama:

It is a great photo.
He looks strong in it.
He is leaning Left.

Anti-Obama:

It is a photo of the TelePrompTer with him inside of it.
He is transparent in the photo.
It is a reflection leaning left, so he really is leaning Right

You can put your own value to it and be correct.

Copy of Email Sent to Sen Bill Nelson

2012-01-18T13:49:00.000-05:00

You must vote against this. Voting for NDAA was pretty bad, but if you vote for this as well I will have no choice but to support any opponent this fall in your bid for re-election. Freedom is the most sacred of all American attributes and any attempt to limit them is an affront to us all.

While I am sure your intent with this bill was noble, as usual the putting of it into practice is troublesome and the wording of the bill leaves too much open to future government officials who may see it a different way and use it for nefarious purposes.

It is always better to side with more freedom rather than less. The risks of SOPA being abused in the future is too great to allow a bill like this to be passed.

Please vote against it. I voted for you before and would very much like to do so again. I cannot vote for anyone who votes against freedom.

Heaven Announces Candidate for 2012 Election

2012-01-16T11:25:00.000-05:00

*News Release*
Date: 1/16/12
Time: 11:18am EST

G-d Declares His Candidacy and Plans to QB Super bowl.

Tired of hearing about how he supports this candidate or this team, G-d has decided to end "all this stupid mortal nonsense" and seek the office of the President once and for all for himself. He said at a recent press conference: If you want me to solve your problems, I will solve them my way.

His platform includes, but is not limited to:

1. Earth flooding
2. First born killing
3. Insect plagues
4. Extending of the Bush Tax Cuts for two more years
5. Rib removal

Opponents have sighted G-d's omnipotence, omniscience, and omnipresence as unfair advantages and are seeking Campaign Supernatural Reform prior to his declaration.

Given his ability to exist in both the past and future, it is generally believed that by declaring his candidacy, G-d has in fact already won the Nov 2012 election that has yet to happen for the rest of us.

A Little Humor

2012-01-16T10:59:00.001-05:00

The Man Should Forever Have to Live This Down.

Review: Bob Seger and the Silver Bullet Band @ Bank Atlantic Center 1/12/12

2012-01-13T09:59:00.003-05:00

70’s reborn! That is about the sum total of it.

I would love to open with a full review of the opening act, but I can’t really as they never told us who they were. OK, to be fair, I was a bit late and heard the start of their first song as I got to the fourth floor of the Bank Atlantic Center, but still as an opening act one would assume they would remind us who they were once or twice during their set. They instead just said random rock Cliches like “Ft Lauderdale!” and “Bob Seger folks!” We know where we are and who we came to see; we need to know who you are! They then closed their set with the ultimate rock cliché by playing a song for our troops.

While a song for the troops is noble, playing Creedence Clearwater’s Fortunate Son is not the song to play. I love the song personally and was glad to hear it, but the “for the troops” kept repeating in my head as the lead singer sang the lyrics “some folks are born made to wave the flag…but it ain’t me.” I kept being reminded of those poor people who think Born in the USA is a pro-America song, but never bothered to pay attention to the actual lyrics. This band did not have the luxury of that excuse as they sang them 100% correct. They just didn’t get the song and anyone who knows me and how I am with lyrics knows this was totally distracting for the rest of the opening act. Actually made me think of Nirvana who sang: He’s the one who likes all our pretty songs and he loves to sing along, but he don’t know what it means.

However…this is a review of Bob Seger. It is a sign of poor writing that I have spoken so far of an unknown opening act, CCR, Springsteen, and Nirvana and have not yet got to the Detroit Rock Star himself. I will correct that now.

Bob Seger is a man I never knew what he looked like to begin with and my only real exposure to his songs are via the live albums, so I thought I knew what to expect and I was promised not to be disappointed by his older appearance. I was wrong on the first count and never saw beyond a gray blur on a black body thanks to my 40 year old vision. The audio of a Bob Seger show I knew was only 30% of the experience. The man and his band know how to put on a show. It didn’t matter where you looked on the stage at any time; each member of the band was performing and giving it their all. And there were about 15 people on the stage from his back up singers to his horn section to his band.

The songs were just one hit after another with no filler tunes save for one new song towards the end of his set, but the man can’t do just “Turn the Page” forever…well, he actually could. My friend and I would comment after each song ended “that could have been the encore!” Most bands would be lucky to have a song like “Old Time Rock and Roll” or “Fire Down Below” to close a set with, but Bob has so many hit songs that those were placed early in his set with bigger hits following. Even the previously mentioned “Turn the Page” didn’t earn encore status which gave it an amazing “out of nowhere” feel as I really expected it to be at least the closer.

I must take a moment here to speak about Alto Reed. Alto has been with Bob Seger since 1971 and the man IS the show. He moves nonstop with these funky dance steps and his sax solos empower every song he touches. As much as Bob’s singing, Alto’s sax IS “Turn the Page” and as much as I wanted to watch Bob do his thing, Alto kept stealing my attention.

And the crowd…I posted on Facebook from the show “Cougars, and Bikers, and Hicks…Oh My” and that about sums it up. My beard and bald spot fit in perfectly which was actually nice for a change at a concert. The only problem was the quality of the pot they smoked. I did not partake at all, but the aroma of cheap dirt weed was rather pathetic given the age of the crowd. Shows I go to with younger crowds has better smelling herb and it isn’t a concert until you smell that first joint. You know that is true.

Overall, I am so happy I got to see Bob Seger and am more than happy that even 40 years later, he still seems to love every moment on the stage playing the same songs he has for 40 years. He sounds exactly like he always did, but given his voice was never operatic to begin with, that really wasn’t too shocking.

Go see him if you get the chance. You will be more than happy.

Setlist:

1. Roll Me Away
2. Tryin' to Live My Life Without You (Otis Clay cover)
3. The Fire Down Below
4. Mainstreet
5. Old Time Rock & Roll
6. Ramblin' Gamblin' Man
7. Hey Hey Hey Hey (Goin' Back to Birmingham)(Little Richard cover)
8. Travelin' Man
9. Beautiful Loser
10. We've Got Tonight
11. Nutbush City Limits (Tina Turner cover)
12. Come to Poppa
13. Her Strut
14. Real Mean Bottle (Vince Gill cover)
15. Turn the Page
16. Sunspot Baby
17. Katmandu
Encore:
18. Against the Wind
19. Hollywood Nights
Encore 2:
20. Night Moves
21. Rock and Roll Never Forgets

The GOP Hokey Pokey

2012-01-04T13:10:00.000-05:00

The GOP race is rapidly becoming a children's game:

You put your candidacy in
You take your candidacy out
You put your candidacy in
And you raise a little doubt
You try the next Primary
And you hope for a little clout
That's what its all about

Frankenstein's Earworm

2011-12-21T09:13:00.003-05:00

The song I have in my head today is one of my own creation, which should be a cool thing except that it is only in my head. Oh, the musical aspect of it is on my iPad and has been for 2 days now, but the vocal part, one I swore to give up on trying, is on a repeat cycle in my cranium which happens to have amazing acoustics, but I digress...

The problem seems so simple which only seems to complicate it; the Earworm only consists of two lines: 1) They're Getting Ready; 2) Time to Run. The first line is repeated 3 times and the last only once. Sounds simple, right? Two fucking days I have sung those two lines over and over and over again in various pitches and even trying silly voices hoping they might sound cool to no avail. All I have accomplished is having it perfected in my head, mocking me as it now knows I lack the ability to get it out.

How do you kill an Earworm you have no way of sharing?

To the tune of "Black Water" by the Doobie Brothers

2011-12-19T13:16:00.000-05:00

Well, I've built me some bombs and they're ready for dropping
Oh Saddam Hussain, I wish there were 10 more like you
The troops may be leaving
But the Iraqis are fighting
Which means there's still money to be made today

Oh Blackwater
Keep on killing
Politician folk gonna keep on paying your bills
Oh Blackwater
Keep on killing
Politician folk gonna keep on paying your bills
Gonna keep on paying
Pretty momma, gonna keep on paying those bills

And we aren't there no more
'Cause Mercs don't wear a uniform
No

Well if you mind, I don't care
Don't make no difference to me
Just put those troops coming home on TV
Gonna hear some patriotic bands
And dance the Honky Tonk
While I'll be killing every Iraqi around

Oh Blackwater
Keep on killing
Politician folk gonna keep on paying your bills
Oh Blackwater
Keep on killing
Politician folk gonna keep on paying your bills
Gonna keep on paying
Pretty momma, gonna keep on paying those bills

And we aren't there no more
'Cause Mercs don't wear a uniform
No

Gonna hear some patriotic bands
And forget about the Mercs in foreign lands
Foreign lands
Lands
Take some foreign lands, pretty momma
Gonna pay those Mercs in foreign lands

Cartoon Villains Unite!

2011-12-19T10:16:00.003-05:00

Is it just me, or does this photo of Newt and Ron Paul look a little too much like the Staypuff Marshmallow Man and Penguin?

Maybe its just me.

Three Cheers for the Red, White, and Screwed

2011-12-15T14:22:00.000-05:00

Three Cheers to the Red, White, and Screwed
To those who believe we are leaving
With 16,000 more mercs on their way
We will see more US deaths another day

And to those who think Obama did this
To those so easily lead asunder
He tried to extend our stay
But they said "no way
Enough with the plunder"

So wrap yourself up in the flag
Pretend this is something worth celebrating
But you know as well as do I
This is a lie
We are just masturbating.

So three cheers to the Red, White, and Screwed
To the warhawks, both old and new
You have thrown the world into Hell
You did so well
And so fuck you

To the tune of "Frosty the Snowman"

2011-12-13T11:29:00.002-05:00

You are NOT GOING TO LIKE THIS ONE.

Obama, the Spineless President
Still has an awful lot to learn
That when you're caught spying
The drone you can't ask to be returned
When Iran found it
You were busted once again
Acting like a Neocon
But you're different, let's all pretend
Then one sorry election year
The Republicans did say
Obama, with your flaws so bright
We will help you win election night
Then how the GOP loved him
As he carried out their policies
Obama, the Spineless President
You might as well be GOP

To the tune (again) of "American Woman" by the Guess Who

2011-12-13T11:18:00.002-05:00

American Drone
Stay away from me
American Drone
Just let me be

Don't go hanging around my door
I am very aware of Amendment number 4
My privacy shouldn't be denied
Just so paranoia you can pacify

American Drone
Get away
American Drone
Don't record what I say

Asking for the military to be used
To spy on me should be refused
Fighting crime is just fine
But don't invade the rights that are mine

American Drone
Gotta getaway
Gotta getaway
Gotta leave
Gotta go

To the tune of "In the Still of the Night" by Whitesnake

2011-12-12T13:47:00.001-05:00

In the town of Bedrock
I use my feet to stop my car
When I get home at the end of the day
In the town of Bedrock
When I get happy
"Yabba-Dabba-Doo" is what I say

In Mr Slate's Quarry
Is where I work
It's hard and takes it toll
But in the evening time
They call me "Twinkle Toes"
When with the Water-buffaloes I bowl

Now I just wanna get home tonight
And see my Wilma some more
But I got stuck outside screaming all night
Cause Dino locked me out of the door

In the town of Bedrock
In the town that I rock
I feel myself evolving
In the town of Beeeeeeeeeeddddddrrrrroooooccccckkkk!

To the tune of "You're a Mean One, Mr Grinch"

2011-12-08T10:18:00.000-05:00

You’re resilient, Mr Gingrich
You really won’t go away
You’re as stubborn as a burro
With a campaign in total disarray
Mr Gingrich
I’ll be amazed if you reach Election Day.

You're like fungus, Mr Gingrich
Kept out of the light and you grow
You're as electable as a puppet
Including the hand up your ass for the show
Mr Gingrich
I can't believe our expectations have gotten so low

One story from my the wedding of my sister

2011-12-04T19:18:00.002-05:00

Had an amazing weekend at my sister’s Wedding to her perfect man and I am happy to have him in our family, but that is not the purpose of this posting. This posting is to share a really funny moment I hope translates to text and isn't a “you had to be there moment.”

The wedding was held at a nature preserve and, as most nature preserves do, this one had a gift shop showcasing local artist to help raise money and this particular nature reserve was smart enough to keep it open on a night there was a weed ing reception with an open bar.

Anyone who knows me knows I am very uncomfortable in a social setting and this night I found myself staying with my big brother; I suppose finding security in his shadow. Anyway...I caught him looking at some of the art and debating buying something which, in my little brother state, had me looking at the art with a purchase in mind as well. I found myself standing before a scroll with a koi fish ying yang that was next to a larger copy of the same scroll (important to note there was a larger copy hanging).

As I was looking and pondering a purchase, my unle came up behind me and asked if I was buyi g something. After saying out loud “I think I I'll regret not buying it,” I bought the smaller version.

That was set up; now the story:

When not clinging to my big brother, I was spending time catching up with my two cousins whom I don't see very often. They have great senses of humor that, like mine, can often drift into “blue” territory. This time would be no different.

I sat at their table with my purchase in a bag. I don't use real names so I will call them Michelle and Liz.

Liz: what did you buy?
Me: A scroll with fish
Michelle: let’s see it
Liz: yeah, take it out
Me: Um...I know we’re Southern, but...

They caught it and it began: they were Office fans too and we began sharing our favorite “that’s what she said” moments and he innuendo kept escalating and escalating as did the laughter.

Finally, my mom walked up to the table and, while speaking of the scroll I bought, said “did you show it to your cousins yet, or should they see the big one in the hall?”

I stared at Michelle trying to refrain from saying anything...this was my MOTHER, but was such a fucking great set up. I saw my cousins had as many remarks flooding her mind as I did and they couldn't say anything because this was their aunt. We just sat silent and staring and holding the flood in.

As my mom turned to leave, we just lost it.

I hope this translated into a story and wasn't a moment.

To the tune of "Here I Go Again" by Whitesnake

2011-11-30T10:08:00.003-05:00

Herman Cain has ANOTHER woman coming forward and his response to it: Here we go again. Of course a song was coming.

I don’t know who I’m boning, but I know when I stick it in
Giving up on teases who demand that I pay
And I so love to grind
A woman without her own mind
Here we go again, here we go again

Though I keep searching for a slut bag
I never seem to find one who can keep her mouth shut
Oh Lord I pray you give me one without a tongue
But then again that won’t do
Bill Clinton, how I envy you

Here we go again, another ho
Telling all the things about me that she knows
Like a Clinton I have a need a woman who likes to blow
And won’t speak her mind
If about her, the media does find

I’m just another man in search of booty
Waiting for a rear to present itself
And I’m gonna grab it and squeeze it for days
Cause I can’t control it
How I love me those legs, ass, and tits

Here we go again, another ho
Telling all the things about me that she knows
Like a Clinton I have a need a woman who likes to blow
And won’t speak her mind
If about her, the media does find

Manuh-Ma-WAH! Twilight Stole My Muppets

2011-11-28T09:23:00.003-05:00

How many fucking theaters do you need to show Twilight? Is it that important to you to break a box office record that you must have a showing every 30 minutes? And more importantly: DID YOU HAVE TO TAKE SO MANY THEATERS THAT MY MUPPETS MOVIE WAS A) LIMITED TO 3 SHOWINGS A DAY AND B) NOT SHOWN IN 3D? What is the point of a Muppets 3D movie when it isn't being shown in 3D? And I am not exaggerating about Twilight showings either; it was ever half hour which took at least what, 6 theaters to pull off with a 3 hour movie?

To the Tune of "Carry On My Wayward Son" by Kansas

2011-11-22T10:49:00.004-05:00

Mitt says he tried a beer once...just once.

Don't inhale my wayward son
Be careful or you may have fun
There'll be a buzz if you ingest to much
Don't you drink no more

Once he fell into the depth of temptation
And he smoked, drank, and tried masturbation
He didn't dig the first two
But the third was just great
Playing with himself became an obsession
It felt so good, it cured his depression
And his right arm grew much larger
As he loved to masturbate

Don't inhale my wayward son
Be careful or you may have fun
There'll be a buzz if you ingest to much
Don't you drink no more

To the tune of "Stand" by REM

2011-11-21T13:25:00.001-05:00

Get Pepper sprayed in the place that you sit
Now in the face
Think about obeying the unlawful things I have to say
Get Pepper sprayed in the place that you stand
Now fall down
Think about obeying me, now get down on the ground

The police are outnumbered
And have no clue
So what in the Hell
Do you expect them to do
Under educated
And driven by fear
They all just want to go home
A drink a few beers
So

Get Pepper sprayed in the place that you sit
Now in the face
Think about obeying the things I have to say
Get Pepper sprayed in the place that you stand
Now fall down
Think about obeying me, now get down on the ground

The people are trying
To have their say
And when it comes to riots
UC knows the way
The police are assholes
And acting like thugs
Perhaps they would be more mellow
If they took a few drugs
So

Get Pepper sprayed in the place that you sit
Now in the face
Think about obeying the things I have to say
Get Pepper sprayed in the place that you stand
Now fall down
Think about obeying me, now get down on the ground

To the tune of "Blinded by the Light"

2011-11-18T15:00:00.001-05:00

My Rick Perry
Thinks this is way to scary
Cause the media ain't playing fair
And Herman Cain
Wants to change his name
And maybe dye his hair
As Newt is for sale
And probably should be in jail
Waiting on Freddie to pay
While Mitt takes a shit
Allowing them to take the hits
And hopes to make to election day

So long as they're blinded by the Right
These bunch of douches keep them from seeing the light
Blinded by the Right
The nation is down and we may never get a chance
Think we will make it to the night?

An Example of my Life

2011-11-18T12:19:00.001-05:00

Ever work with people who thrive on drama and therefore must create it wherever they can? Me too. Here is one such story of how my days go:

On my way into work this morning I received a text from a tech who was scheduled to work tonight. She told me her daughter was in the hospital and she could not work tonight and that she was so sorry about that. This sucks, but shit happens. We had a busy week and I needed her to work tonight rather badly, but her child takes priority. Sadly, I had already given another tech this weekend off (she had asked on Monday).

When I got to work, the Office Manager was the only other person there and she had just returned from a week's vacation. I wanted to let her know about my schedule problem before anyone came it to present her with problems and I gave her a solution. I said:

“Hey, I know we have four patients tonight and one of my techs who was scheduled tonight called in because her daughter was taken to the hospital. I had given another tech the weekend off at the start of this week, so I need your approval to give Tech C some overtime.”

How did my Office Manager convey this to the rest of the staff when they arrived?

“Brad gave two techs the weekend off, so we need to find another tech or give Tech C overtime.”

The reality was I had the schedule covered, but an unforeseen event happened beyond my control.

The story she implied was I was irresponsible and fucked up and am costing the company money unless they can think of a solution.

To my mom and Boss who will read this, DO NOT DO ANYTHING! I am just venting which is part of what my blog is for.

To the Tune of "The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down" by the Band

2011-11-16T14:17:00.003-05:00

As sung by Karl Rove

Herman Cain is his name and he’s running for the Presidency
“But that won’t happen,” said Rove. “Not if it’s up to me
See I don’t mind not playing fair
And if you don’t like it, well, I don’t care
I swear by the blood that never reaches Cheney’s heart
If he continues to run I will tear that man apart.”

The fortnight they brought down Herman Cain
Off all the media was feeding
The fortnight they brought down Herman Cain
And Karl Rove was laughing
He went: Ha, ha-ha-ha, ha-ha.
Ha-ha, ha-ha, ha-ha, ha-ha

“Back when he was in the NRA they say he was a lecherous man
And I’ve found lots of women who are willing to go with my plan
See, it don’t take much to ruin someone
And I must admit it is lots of fun
It is what I do and how I made my name
Ruining people is my claim to fame!”

The fortnight they brought down Herman Cain
Off all the media was feeding
The fortnight they brought down Herman Cain
And Karl Rove was laughing
He went: Ha, ha-ha-ha, ha-ha.
Ha-ha, ha-ha, ha-ha, ha-ha

Now that the media has the scent of blood I can slowly back off
And condemn the liberal media, saying on Obama they were too soft
Politics today is just a game
And I play it and put everyone else to shame
You may think I’m not as relevant as I once was
But I say you only have to ask Herman Cain because

The fortnight they brought down Herman Cain
Off all the media was feeding
The fortnight they brought down Herman Cain
And Karl Rove was laughing
He went: Ha, ha-ha-ha, ha-ha.
Ha-ha, ha-ha, ha-ha, ha-ha

Lucy, that Bitch!

2011-11-16T12:23:00.002-05:00

I pictured myself on a boat, on a river, but the Tangerine skies kept dripping citric acid in my eyes and I couldn't see who was calling behind me. When I turned to answer quite slowly due to the burning pain in my eyes, the bitch ran off!

To the tune of "Pardon Me" by Incubus

2011-11-15T09:32:00.001-05:00

It was a few weeks ago
My G-d, could it be
Herman Cain was the front runner in the GOP
But the limelight was bright
And he couldn't see
The myriad of hurdles that leads to the Presidency

So Pardon him while he bursts into flames
He's had enough of this race
He can't seem to play the game
(so) Pardon him, pardon him

Veteran's Day

2011-11-11T09:39:00.000-05:00

Thank you to anyone who put their life on the line for something larger than themselves and thank you for every freedom I enjoy. I am free to be a pacifist because of people like you.

I will continue to try and live up to my end of making sure those in power don't risk your lives without reason. I don't always succeed, and have really failed as of late, but I will not stop. You deserve having a country that values your willingness to sacrifice and not one that sees you as pawns in a larger game.

To the Tune of "You're So Vain"

2011-10-31T12:42:00.000-04:00

You walked into the Godfathers
Like it was Tuesday Night, Ladies Drink Free
Your hand strategically cupping both your balls
Yes, you were feeling quite frisky

You had one eye on her rear end
As you said something she couldn't refuse
And you keep thinking she would be flattered
She would be flattered

Herman Cain
I bet you thought this race was about you
Herman Cain
(Cain)
I bet you thought this race was about you
Don't you
Don't you

Yeah, you came up high in the last poll
With a target firmly on your back
And Karl Rove said "this won't do"
And he went on the attack

You screwed up many years ago
And Karl found your mistake
Now every reporter is hoping to bust you
Hoping to bust you

Herman Cain
I bet you thought this race was about you
Herman Cain
(Cain)
I bet you thought this race was about you
Don't you

Special Message About My Parodies

2011-10-29T17:51:00.003-04:00

I write quite a few, but I feel I should explain why and how. They do not reflect my personal politics ever and knowing the why and how should help you understanding them.

I have been a member of a political blog for about 9 years now and we debate any and everything. Quite often, a member will say something and the way they phrase it makes me think of a song and, as any of you know, I am subject to being tormented by Earworms. My choices at that point are to either suffer or to try and turn it against itself.

Writing parodies is something I have done for years. Anyone who ever got stuck with me in a busy pizza kitchen on a Saturday night knows I love writing parodies. Hell, I even remember my sister and I writing a parody of Footloose called "Quaaludes" and I include that example to show how my parodies come from various characters' points of view and do not reflect my own. Neither my sister nor I did drugs when we wrote that song; I was in 7th grade and she in 9th.

So basically, what I am saying is that the songs I post here do not reflect my own personal view points but rather are all based on a vast assortment of online personalities I have experienced in my tenure as a blogger.

I hope that clears some things up.

Some OWS parodies

2011-10-28T16:33:00.003-04:00

To the tune of the Theme from the Monkees

Here we come
The 99%
We should be looking for a job
So we can pay our rent

Hey, hey
We're protesting
Gives us something to do
Gives me an excuse
So I can blame my problems on you

We're just trying for handouts
Pissed my lotto numbers didn't win
Then I would be real rich
And the 1% would let me join in

AND

Mine eyes have seen the ever shifting reasons for the protest
The justifications shifting like a tumbleweed in the Old West
The hatred of the 1 without defining the 99 percent
Their protest rages on

In their anger logic and reason it seems they did abort
They protest the very people who Obama just did court
They refuse to define their reasons because it will lessen their support
Their madness rages on

Camera, camera
Take my picture
Media, media
Show me on the TV
Internet, internet
Show my neat sign
This bullshit rages on

And one pro to the tune of 50 Ways to Leave your Lover.

It seemed lately I could not find a job
I had become an unkempt unemployed and unmotivated slob
Until one day
When I saw on the TV
About 50,000 like me

It then struck me that I must get involved
Even though I did not believe this is a problem that could be solved
I went do DC
And wouldn't you believe
Obama was calling out to me

Can't think of a chorus though.

Not A Parody This Time

2011-10-21T17:26:00.003-04:00

The Republicans are crazy and evil and the Democrats are emotional and stupid and neither seems to work very well. I keep hoping that we will wake up to the realization that we don't have two parties; we have the left and right side of a single party with a stranglehold on the system. The American people were supposed to be the ones steering this ship we call America and now pawns to be brought out every two years for this masturbation we call elections. Our system is rigged and the ones we count on to change it are the same ones who profit from the corrupt system; it is like putting convicts on their own parole board.

I look at the Tea Party and the Occupy movement and I keep seeing how similar their complaints are and how they view the same problems and am amazed they are fighting one another rather than working together. It is as if the system has invented a new way to divide us even more.

Think of it like this: insanity is defined as doing the same thing and expecting different results. For over 100 years we have looked to the Republicans to clean up Democrat messes and then to the Democrats to fix the Republican messes and we wonder why things never get any better. The answer is simple actually: there is always another election in two years and there is always a need for a good wedge issue. That is why there is still the gay marriage and abortion debates regardless of both parties holding all the branches of government at various times.

Pardon my rant, but these are thoughts I have been holding in lately and are just growing within me. This is not some manifesto or anything, so don't go worrying about that. I know you are thinking “well, what would you do,” so I am actually going to give some ideas:

1.Sell bonds with a greater return rate than anything else on the market to encourage reinvestment in America. I listen to old radio programs a lot and I hear ads for war bonds all the time where they say “get back $5 for every $4 you invest.” That is a 20% return. Who wouldn't take a guaranteed return like that in this economy?

2.End the wars and that includes our drone strikes in various countries. When Obama took office, we were involved in 2 countries; today we are involved in 6. Even with Iraq ending at the end of this year, we are still in more conflicts today than when Obama took office. That strikes me as furthering the PNAC agenda.

3.Use the money saved from ending the occupations to rebuild the nation's infrastructure. To help with employing the returning troops, offer them incentive programs to join a “Peace Corps” like group for domestic repair.

4.End the Electoral College. There was a time for it, but that time has passed. The internet, television, and radio makes the issue of candidates not getting to every state irrelevant. Everyone can hear and see all the candidates. Also, states with a greater percent of the population should have a greater percent of the vote. What the Electoral College does is not so much as give smaller states and equal voice as it gives people who live in bigger states a smaller voice.

5.End Corporate and Union donations to national races. The people who are members of both already have rights as individuals and giving rights to Corporations or Unions gives a second set of rights to the board of directors of those organizations and that is not fair as they control bottomless pockets.

OK, the whole “numbered list” thing doesn't help my “this is not a manifesto” argument, but it I swear it isnt. I am just someone who spends a lot of time debating politics online and is trying to figure out a solution that will actually work.

To the Tune of "Time Warp"

2011-10-19T09:40:00.003-04:00

I am now including a link to the news story that inspired the parody since I think most themes are lost without the proper context. Today's is based on this story:

NEW YORK (AP) — Catholic and Jewish groups are condemning actress Susan Sarandon for referring to Pope Benedict XVI as a Nazi.

So join in with me everyone:

It's depressing
As her celebrity's fleeting
Madness
Makes her put on a show

And her relevence
Won't last very much longer
If it was ever there
At all

I remember
Susan Sarandon
Steaming
Up the screen
In Rocky Horror
And especially in Bull Durham

Please Return to Acting Again
Please Return to Acting Again

You moved too far to the Left
And lost your fame overnight
You put your hand on your hip
And waved your finger at the Right
But your bleeding heart
Made you go insane

Please Return to Acting Again
Please Return to Acting Again

To the Tune of "Fire and Rain"

2011-10-14T14:40:00.002-04:00

Just yesterday morning you erupted in flames
Susanne, that perfume you used is highly flammable
So I took out a cigarette and I lit it off you
The flames so bright I couldn't think of anything else to do

Oh, the teacher's on fire and in pain
Somebody put her out or it may spread
She's burning from her toes up to her head
Why didn't we just throw her out into the rain?

Won't you do something for her, Jesus
Before she burns away
Maybe turn on a fire extinguisher
Her body's burning and parts are flying away
And I've yet to turn my homework into her

Oh, the teacher's on fire and in pain
Somebody put her out or it may spread
She's burning from her toes up to her head
Why didn't we just throw her out into the rain?

Cheap Shot Mr Drudge

2011-10-14T10:05:00.002-04:00

Did you think you were being slick? The intent is crystal clear by your positioning of the similar photos of Obama, Pelosi, and Iran's leader whose name I will never type out.

Come on man, that is a pretty cheap shot...even for you.

To the tune of Send in the Clowns

2011-10-13T14:53:00.000-04:00

Isn't it sad?
Doesn't anybody care?
Though we have no troops on the ground,
We're still killing from the air.
Send in the drone.

Isn't it cheap?
Don't you approve?
We're nation-building still
And don't need Congress to approve
So send in the drones
Or I'll have to spread fear

To the Tune of "Grandma Got Ran Over by a Reindeer"

2011-10-12T09:46:00.000-04:00

Grandma got flattened by a sky dive
Jumping out of a plane Christmas eve
You can say she her last words were "Geronimo!"
But as for me and Grandpa, we just grieve.

She was watching Patrick Swayze
And Keanu in Point Break
And during the sky diving sequence
A very bad decision did she make

She called for an appointment
And she took the proper class
But she had a senior moment
Jumped out, forgot her name
And lost her ass

Grandma got flattened by a sky dive
Jumping out of a plane Christmas eve
You can say she her last words were "Geronimo!"
But as for me and Grandpa, we just grieve.

Steve Jobs...

2011-10-07T09:40:00.002-04:00

It just dawned on me that we didn't just lose Steve Jobs the other day; we lost the last great American pioneer. He was our last Edison, Einstein. We lost someone who not only saw how the world could/should be, but someone with the drive and ability to actually shape the world and someone who cared enough about the world to not use this drive and ability for nefarious or self-serving purposes. Yes, he did grow rich on the back of his innovations, but he did more good than 99.9% of those with even half his means.

I was never an Apple fan, but I was a Steve Jobs fan and I mourn not only the loss of him, but of the future's loss of what he had planned for it.

To the Tune of "I Want a New Drug" by Huey Lewis and the News

2011-10-04T11:27:00.002-04:00

I need a new phone
Blackberry or a Droid
One that won't drop my calls
And make me feel annoyed

I need a new phone
An Iphone sounds fine
I just wanna have a keyboard
For when I surf online

(With) A plan that is affordable
One that will always let me get through
One that lets me sext like I sext when I'm without you
When I'm alone and blue

The Palestinian Tar Baby

2011-09-21T12:57:00.003-04:00

Brer Middle East and Brer Europe have set a trap for Brer America. A Palestinian Tar Baby holding a sign that reads "Statehood?" has been placed on the UN road and Brer America needs to just walk on by.

It is a smart trap. Brer Middle East and Brer Europe knows Brer America can't not help, but also can't help too much. They know Brer America will first trying to move it, thus getting slightly entangled in it. Brer America will then start shuffling back and forth, to and fro, to free himself from it, but will only end up getting more entangled. Finally, Brer America will fight against the Tar Baby and end up weakened, messy, and stuck in the end.

Brer Middle East and Brer Europe don't care for the Tar Baby, they just like the damage they know will be caused by its introduction to Brer America's ego. The best thing for Brer America to do is nothing.

The moral of the story is America should not vote at all. A "yes" vote or a "no" vote is getting entangled in the Tar Baby and we can't win. Let the vote turn out however it will turn out free from our involvement.

The Title is also a link to this same article on Drudge.com where you can see either the abuse or support I get for it. Either way, should be an interesting read.

To the Tune of "Colors" by Ice-T

2011-09-07T11:42:00.001-04:00

I am a bullshit squawking, politically balking
King of the Flip Flop just a hypocrite talking
Spreading lies like a fire to a sea of fools
Then I laugh like a maniac as I don't follow the rules
Red or Blue, Repub or Dem, it just don't matter
In the light of day all my bullshit scatters
But you'll re-elect me anyway- no matter what I say
Colors

Review: Shark Night 3D

2011-09-06T09:29:00.003-04:00

Short version: ...

Longer version: I am still in shock from the experience of seeing "Shark Night 3D." I have never seen a movie THIS bad before in my life and I love bad movies. I am someone who, at least half the time, had seen the movie MST3K was mocking prior to the episode. This was not a movie so much as 3 different thirds of three different movies someone found laying around a studio and decided to make them into a movie.

While I don't believe in "Spoilers," in this case they are actually "Friendly Warning Signs" to keep you from making the mistake I made.

First Third: This is the set up for an 80's Slasher movie ALA Friday the 13th. Our heroes (who will be known as "Shark Food" for the rest of this review) meet up at college to go for a long weekend in the small town where one of the group went for summers as a kid, but a tragedy has kept her from going there for 3 years.

Our first introduction to this small town (after a five minute high speed montage of every single road the shark food took to get there from their college campus) is with a pick up truck pulling next to our lone Black character and his Hispanic girlfriend. Naturally this truck contains racist locals and naturally a history with our "summers as a kid" shark food emerges and blocks a confrontation. Nothing like pointless land-based drama in a shark movie.

30 minutes in and only one pre-credit shark attack so far for those keeping score at home.

Our shark food arrives at the house on an island and the slasher film ends with our "summers as a kid" shark food telling the appetizers that their cell phones won't work; creating the perfect setting for a slasher like Jason, but this is a shark movie.

Helpful Hint: If you want to make a horror movie not based in the 80's, you have to set it someplace where cell phones don't work.

Second Third: This is what one expects from the FIRST ACT of a shark movie; skiing, girls with tight bodies in bikinis, a dog playing fetch in the water, poorly done CGI fins following people ominously and point of view shots from underwater. All it was missing was the "duh-nuh" music from Jaws...and the suspense...and the plot.

Normally, too much explanation in a horror movie distracts from the actual story, but in this case it would be nice to know why one of every species of shark is in this river/lake and why they are attacking humans so fiercely. Hammerheads, Great Whites, and Nurses are not that common. The "Katrina put them here" story didn't work for me in the slightest.

Now then, one goes to a shark movie for the kills, right? Someone should have told the director this little factoid. Maybe I got spoiled by the prolonged and graphic kills of Piranha, but this movie's kills consisted of shark food on jet ski; shark jumps from water; jet ski left alone; the end. If the CGI shark looked less like something I fought in the Atari 2600's Jaws game, I might have been happy with the kills. Sharks jumping out of water is pretty cool to watch as Shark Week proves, but come on. More than half the time the camera wasn't even aimed at the kill. Considering the sharks were placed in the shots with computers, there is no excuse for the camera missing the vital and cool parts we all went to see.

Third Third: STRONG SPOILERS AHEAD

The third act is where this shark movie (pardon the pun) jumped the shark. Our local racists from the first act return and the movie turns once again; this time into a "revenge thriller" as our locals are behind the attacks all along. Seems three years ago "summers as a kid" shark food and racist local were an item until she accidentally sliced his face open with a propeller while they were diving together. Now he isn't cute anymore and wants revenge and is using the sharks to kill her friends.

While that would be a decent story, it is not the real reason for the events of this movie, just a side-motivation. The real reason is even dumber...remeber I spoke of "Shark Week" before? See, our racist locals attach cameras to the sharks (how is never explained) and film the attacks to sell online because "Shark Week is the most watched cable event and some people will pay to see the real thing." Even the sheriff is involved.

How did they know "summers as a kid" shark food would return out of the blue? How did they get the sharks? How did they attach the cameras to the sharks? How did they get the sharks to attack on command? Unimportant questions only a lucid audience would ask and the makers of this movie clearly intended to lull the audience into a coma of accepting any nonsense they threw on the screen.

I cannot stress how bad this movie was, and not in a "let's go see how bad this movie is" way. Stay far away from this horrible disaster of a movie.

To give you an idea of just how bad it is: I got in with a free pass and wanted my money back.

To the tune of "Wanted Dead or Live" by Bon Jovi

2011-08-23T13:12:00.003-04:00

It's all the same
Only the names have changed
Our economy
It seems its wasting away
Another four year term
Is what he asks of us
But when we question "where's the change"
His supporters raise a fuss

He's Obama
With Bush's policies he will rule
And you will support him
Because you're a weak-minded fool
Yeah He's Obama
No matter what he has the Left on his side
And you'll support him
Because he has you petrified
Has you petrified

Sometimes he says one thing
And then he does the opposite
And as the Congress fights
On his hands he sits
His positions are everywhere
And impossible to pin down
He'll tell you he'll do one thing
And then turn it all around

He's Obama
With Bush's policies he will rule
And you will support him
Because you're a weak-minded fool
Yeah He's Obama
No matter what he has the Left on his side
And you'll support him
Because he has you petrified
Has you petrified

Nobody Will Agree With This, But...

2011-08-18T15:34:00.002-04:00

The first song in the new Obama musical:

Anything Bush can screw
I can screw better
I can screw anything better than you
I'll take a recession
And cause a depression
And I will blame it squarely on you

(No you can't)
Yes I can
(No you can't)
Yes I CAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNN

So you want to close Gitmo
Well now then you know
I will say yes, but keep it anyway
And now the Patriot Act
Never mind the fact
I promised it would end after my election day

Yes anything Bush did screw
I will screw better
I will screw everything better than him
If you still support me
HA, that's your fallacy
I can't believe so many people are so incredibly dim

To the tune of "Tears in Heaven" by Eric Clapton

2011-08-18T12:54:00.001-04:00

Would you want to remain
If there was no beer in Heaven
Would you act the same
If you knew you would be sober in Heaven
I hope its wrong; eternity's too long
Cause I know I don't belong
(without) Beers in Heaven

Would you still be good
If there was no beer in Heaven
Do you think G-d would
Disallow liquid peace in Heaven
That is not right; G-d's too uptight
Cause I won't spend a single night
(without) Beers in Heaven

To the tune of People are People by Depeche Mode

2011-08-12T13:26:00.000-04:00

If Corporations are people
Then why should it be
Wal-Mart and I get treated
So differently
If Corporations are people
Then why should it be
Wal-Mart and I get treated
So differently

I pay my taxes in full
And always on time
I pay a dollar in taxes
To every one of your dimes
You get a voice as an individual
Now you want one for your cash
As Politicians bend backwards for a piece
Of your stash

I can't understand
Why we let the government
Give to corporations
What they give to man

If Corporations are people
Then why should it be
Wal-Mart and I get treated
So differently

Sorry Ruskies

2011-08-11T09:22:00.001-04:00

My blog seems to have been taken over by some Russians having a conversation in Russian and it is annoying me to no ends. I have put moderation back on to stop this. I will talk about my leg later, but I just got to work.

Palin Wonders "Where's My Headline?"

2011-06-28T13:24:00.001-04:00

After years of dominating the discussion, a recent drought in Palin-related stories has pushed her non-campaign into "Panic Mode."

"She is very worried," a close source who wised to remain anonymous recently told me in a fever-dream. "The 'Palin Brand' was once synonymous with stupidity and we are seeing a very real and viable threat from Michelle Bachmann. This is like Dr Frankenstein being killed by his own monster."

Palin had real hopes her "Paul Revere" gaff combined with the premature end of her "One Nation" bus tour would have propelled her not only to the top of the polls, but the headlines. However, Bachmann's combination of light blue deer-eyes in headlights and tenuous grasp on reality to say the least has made her the GOP darling.

More to come....

Remember Eisenhower's Words! Please! End the Endless War!

2011-06-28T10:23:00.001-04:00

Our military organization today bears little relation to that known by any of my predecessors in peacetime, or indeed by the fighting men of World War II or Korea.

Until the latest of our world conflicts, the United States had no armaments industry. American makers of plowshares could, with time and as required, make swords as well. But now we can no longer risk emergency improvisation of national defense; we have been compelled to create a permanent armaments industry of vast proportions. Added to this, three and a half million men and women are directly engaged in the defense establishment. We annually spend on military security more than the net income of all United States corporations.

This conjunction of an immense military establishment and a large arms industry is new in the American experience. The total influence -- economic, political, even spiritual -- is felt in every city, every State house, every office of the Federal government. We recognize the imperative need for this development. Yet we must not fail to comprehend its grave implications. Our toil, resources and livelihood are all involved; so is the very structure of our society.

In the councils of government, we must guard against the acquisition of unwarranted influence, whether sought or unsought, by the militaryindustrial complex. The potential for the disastrous rise of misplaced power exists and will persist.

We must never let the weight of this combination endanger our liberties or democratic processes. We should take nothing for granted. Only an alert and knowledgeable citizenry can compel the proper meshing of the huge industrial and military machinery of defense with our peaceful methods and goals, so that security and liberty may prosper together. - Dwight D. Eisenhower, 1961

D-Day Recovery

2011-06-19T19:34:00.002-04:00

I am not a verbally gifted person for the most part. It may be because I have been solitary for so long or maybe I never was very loquacious in the first place, but either way I don't express myself very well with the spoken word and therefore was mostly emotionally silent this weekend. This may lead those attending my festivities with the impression I was not having a good time. This could not be further from the truth. The reality is that this was the best birthday I think I have ever had in my life and I can't thank each one of you enough, but let's try.

MOM- I am awestruck with the planning you put into this weekend and I am humbled to have you as my mother. I could not have asked for a better weekend and you were behind it all. I love you more than I can ever express.

ROB- This was your weekend as well and I hope your Father's day matched my birthday in the amount of joy. All your children and your grandchild were here all weekend long and it was a thing of beauty to watch you with your granddaughter.

JEFF and LAURA- Happty Father's Day to you Jeff as well. And thank you both for coming down on Friday in all that traffic to spend my actual birthday with me even though we were coming up on Saturday. It was very touching you took the time to drive down. I know what a pain the drive is and Nola can be to get ready for anything. Thank you both for coming.

JULIE- Speaking of driving, it would have been a glaring absense had you not drvien down from Gainesville to spend this weekend with me. Of all the gifts I recieved, your coming down was the best.

GORDON- Your love was felt and appreciated. I know you wanted to come down, but the guilt of how much you would have had to go through to get here would have overshadowed the joy of seeing you. We will get together soon.

CAST of HAIR- Wow. Just wow. I got chills during Walking in Space (my favorite song from the show) and was moved at the end. I had grown up on the movie, but now I feel I have finally seen Hair for the first time. Just wow.

For my 41st, I will try to learn how to express myself verbally. Until then, I hope you got to see this and to know how much this weekend meant to me.

Come to think of it...there are no words to cover this feeling of joy and being loved. Thank you so much.

D-Day +1

2011-06-16T12:44:00.002-04:00

I can see it on the horizon. I have less than 24 hours now at this point. At 11:40-ish AM tomorrow I start my 40th year in this reality. Funny and I know it is a cliché, but I don't feel 40. Or maybe I do feel 40 and, having never been 40 before just don't recognize it as such. Maybe THIS is how 40 feels; exactly like 30. It is rather weird the weight we assign to arbitrary numbers and how we define ourselves based on how society thinks that number should behave.

"He doesn't act 40."

If it wasn't for the mirror, I would say I was turning 25. I feel the same as I did. The parts of me I can see without a mirror look basically the same; hands, feet, legs, etc. I do have a bald spot, but at my height, who can see it? Even my thoughts are the same as when I was 25. First on my mind right now are the amazing records I found yesterday after work and I can't wait to get home and listen to them some more; just like when I was 25. I am even playing video games nightly; just like 25.

So, how does 40 act? When I was a kid, I thought 40 was when you started sizing dentures. I thought it was the age Depends became underwear and "sir" became a polite way of saying "asshole" as in "excuse me, but you are in the way, sir" or "no sir, you must wait over there." I was preparing for my first Social Security check and AARP application. I was thinking of burial plots. These may have been an incorrect assumptions on my part.

Tomorrow I am having a Carvel Ice Cream Cake for my 40th and my brother, sister, sister-in-law, and niece are going to spend it with me and my parents. I can't wait.

Oh, and when tomorrow does come, wish my mother a happy birthday instead of me. I was a C-section baby delivered a month late so I literally didn't do a damn thing on that day. Yes, I was lazy even in utero .

Happy Giving Birth Day Mom

How I See the Parties Today: A Two Act Play

2011-06-15T14:13:00.004-04:00

Act 1: The Democrats

Lib1: This should be changed.

Lib2: Yes, it should be bigger.

Lib1: No, smaller.

Lib3: And blue.

Lib1 and 2: Blue? Green!

Lib1: and smaller.

Lib2: No, bigger.

Lib3: Whatever Bushlover.

Lib1: I voted for Kerry.

Lib2: Sure you did. Nobody who wants smaller voted for Kerry.

Lib3: Nobody who wants Green did either.

Act 2: The Republicans

Con1: This must not be changed

Con2: No.

Con3: And we should screw someone at the same time.

Con1: Agreed.

Con2: Male or female?

Con 1 and 3: WHAT?

Con2: Just kidding. Don't fags suck? I think I need to form a committee against them.

D-Day +2

2011-06-15T10:40:00.004-04:00

The heavy rain knocked my antenna loose and I lost a channel...well, three. Channel 39 is one of those taking advantage of the HD broadcasting spectrum and they have 39-1, 39-2, and 39-3. 39-1 is regular Jerry Springer, Maury, Steve Wilcos, and daytime court shows while being CW at night. 39-2 is called "Antenna TV" and they show 3 Stooges, 3's Company, Hazel, etc. 39-3 is called THIS TV and they show crap. Of the three, I watch -2 on Fridays for my 3 Stooges marathon and -1 way too much. I have even set my TIVO to record particularly spicy Springer shows that air when I am at work. This is not proper behavior for someone turning 39+1.

I guess I should thank Mother Nature for doing what I lacked the strength to do on my own- cut the Springer umbilical cord. I will miss it, but it is time to move on. Besides, I still will have Judge Judy on channel 10. I love her; she's a total bitch.

The 2012 GOP Nominees

2011-06-14T10:38:00.000-04:00

Pawlenty-Bashful
Gingrich-Sleezy...I mean Sneezy
Santorum-Grumpy
Paul-Doc
Cain-Sleepy
Bachmann-Dopey
Romney-Happy

D-Day +6

2011-06-10T09:48:00.002-04:00

I am one week away from 40 and am suffering my last cold of my 30's and it figures it would take place over my last weekend of my 30's. OK, it is not like I was going to do anything anyways with my lack of a life, but it would be nice to not be sick as I enter 40, or rather 39 Part2.

Got my first present yesterday from a great and dear friend. I didn't see it coming and was shocked and bewildered when the UPS guy was leaving my door. I opened the box and there was a blue gift bag with four Simpsons figures contained within. I got chills and not because I was sick. It was beyond words amazing and touching to have gotten a gift in the mail from this person. Thank you again.

Tribute to the Diceman

2011-06-07T13:25:00.001-04:00

Little Miss Muffet
Decided to rough it
And left her lube at home
While Little Bo Peep
Was ramming her sheep
With a huge black rubber synthetic bone
Miss Muffet saw the sight
Said "that sheep looks so tight"
And decided it would be her turn
But since she had no lube
It was slightly rude
The friction caused the poor sheep to burn

Weiner-gate? My Thoughts

2011-06-07T10:50:00.000-04:00

He needs to stand firm in the light of this exposure; rigid and stiff. He can't afford to lean or soften in his resolve. He must keep one eye on the prize and not soften in his commitment to see his term to completion. No early withdrawal for this man. His day will cum. His favorite band? Climax.

Paul Revere's Ride According to Palin: A Three Line Play

2011-06-06T12:40:00.000-04:00

(A cold Arlington night. Enter a lone figure on horseback carrying a torch and riding like the Devil himself was chasing him)

Paul Revere: Alert! Alert! Take heed! The British are coming! The British are coming!

The British: We know.

Paul Revere: Just making sure. Carry on.

(close scene)

To the Tune of "St Stephen" by the Grateful Dead

2011-05-31T14:46:00.002-04:00

This Hurt to Write

St Sarah
With her bus
Skipping events
Just because
Will she run
She doesn't know
Anything to make her bank account grow

Sarah prospered
Then she quit
Mobile talking point spewing
Hypocrite
Either way she cannot lose
Sarah is employed by Fox News

Election season
She has no reason
Why is she touring across the USA
Skipping rallies
Her decision dallies
Anything to keep her in the press today
And she keeps talking
And she keeps balking
When the subject of her running comes around again

St Sarah
Go away
It's the greatest thing
You could do today
To save this nation
Shut your mouth....**

*It hurt writing a Dead parody about Palin.
** In honor of St Sarah, the writer of this parody quit before it was finished

Great Idea for a Horror Movie

2011-05-25T13:36:00.001-04:00

Climbers reach the peak only to be attacked by the zomibes of people who didn't make it and they must battle their way back down before they get killed by the zombies or their supplies run out.

Simon Rumley’s “Red White & Blue”- A Sort of Review

2011-05-23T10:57:00.005-04:00

I watched this movie on Friday night and have tried for the past 3 days to figure out how I can sell this movie to you without ruining it. It has a very slow and seemingly pointless first hour that leads to an intense last 30 minutes that has left me still in a state of slight shock and made me watch the entire movie again as soon as it ended. Here is the little I can tell you:

Erica (played by Amanda Fuller) cleans a half-way house and sleeps around. One night she meets Franki (played by Marc Senter) who is a drummer in a local band. She later meets Nate (played by Noah Taylor) who lives in the half-way house and is an Iraqi war vet. Their lives cross, and then cross again; people end up dead in horribly, yet incredibly simplistic ways; and nobody is really what they seem.

I know all the above sounds incredibly cliché', and it would be if not for the haunting score and inventive direction of Simon Rumley. Trust me when I say this movie will stay with you long after you have watched it and most of what you thought you saw will change upon reflection.

Like Jack Ketchum's Red, this is a Southern bred revenge story where the character drama is so engrossing....I really need to stop before I give too much away.

"Red, White, and Blue" is streaming on Netflix and you will not be sorry you saw it.

To the Tune of "Parents Just Don't Understand" by DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince

2011-05-20T09:47:00.005-04:00

I only wrote this because I learned the Situation is suing his father, who is named the Confrontation. How can I let that go without mocking?

OK, here's the situation
A stupid moron with way too much attention
He's on the TV so he must be a star
Are you a fan?
Yeah, of course you are
Famous for stupid
On the Jersey Shore
And Dancing with the Stars
Do you need more?
Well fine, you asked
You are going to regret you had
Cause now the Situation is gonna sue his dad.
A confrontation
With the Confrontation
And endless battle worth less than masturbation
So to all you kids who want a fancy car
Be a moron and they will make you a star

My First of Many Thoughts on 40

2011-05-19T09:38:00.002-04:00

OK, this one will be a bit convoluted, so do your best to follow my train-wreck of thought. In my defense, I am turning 40.

So, I am turning 40, but I feel like I am turning 30. This would mean my 20's lasted 20 years. Assuming this makes the start of a pattern, then that would mean my new 30's will last 30 years and I won't have to worry about 40 until I am 70. Of course, this does mean I will be turning 50 at 110, so odds are I will have a very inactive 50's and I don't even want to get into how my 60's would be starting at 160, but for now I am quite happy to be turning 30 at 40.

Of course, all this is null and void since I am actually doing 39 again this year in honor of Jack Benny and don't even have to worry about any of this for quite some time to come...if ever. I can keep turning 39 for ever.

Confused yet?

Friday the 13th?

2011-05-13T13:21:00.004-04:00

So, I hope everyone has a....(Chi-chi-chi-ha-ha-ha)...what was that?

Probably the wind. Anyway, I was going to say I hope everyone has a....(Chi-chi-chi-ha-ha-ha)...OK, I know I heard it that time...

What the Hell is that?

I think I am going to go check out the noise alone...

I'll be right back....

(Chi-chi-chi-ha-ha-ha).......

(Chi-chi-chi-ha-ha-ha).......

(Chi-chi-chi-ha-ha-ha)...

AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!

Dear 18 Year Old Me...

2011-05-02T13:26:00.004-04:00

I owe you a very deep felt apology for I failed you. I tried my best and fought against all obstacles, but in the end it just was not meant to be. I had to abandon my quest for the betterment of the 40 Year Old Me and, last Saturday, I cut off my ponytail.

I remember quite clearly that day sitting in Fontana Hall’s cafeteria, red-eyed and foggy minded, while eating a bowl of mixed of every cereal they offered and talking about the value of long hair with a few friends. They need names and I never use real names out of respect for people’s privacy, so let’s call them: Mike and John. The third person will be called “Droopy Fonzerelli” because that is what we called him behind his back. The guy looked like Fonzi and Droopy had a kid! Oh, and I am not proud of the “behind his back” thing, but I was only 18 so cut me some slack. Anywho…

“Come Along” by Salty Dog played over the cafeteria’s P.A. system and Mike and I, who both were growing our hair out, were asked about it by John. I can only assume the song sparked the curiosity, but he asked us if we ever planned on cutting our hair. “Never” being the standard 18 year old Long Hair response and John pressed the issue by offering hypothetical monetary values to the question and Mike and I continued to say “no.”

“I’ll bet you will cut your hair,” John said smugly, leaving “I will turn 40 with a ponytail” as my only logical recourse.

Needless to say, both Mike and I have had short hair in the days since, but around the time I turned 38 the conversation suddenly reappeared clearly in my mind. Many nights I fell asleep with that afternoon in Fontana Hall replaying verbatim over and over until I decided I had to keep that promise to myself. I stopped getting my hair cut that moment and spent the next year and a half looking bad.

At first, I had a rather “Bozo the clown”ish appearance. The male pattern baldness my head choose to take made my top frizz upwards as my sides ballooned outward. I rode the horror of my reflection out for months on end until I reached a “Page Boy” bob that was even more horrendous than the Bozo. As my sides grew to a point I could push them behind my ears, the “Page Boy” became a “Poser Tail” or one of those pathetic ponytails you saw people have in the 80’s when they tried to hide their mullet. That slowly morphed into what can be called a “Nicolas Cage Cut” to those feeling kind or just “YUCH” to those being honest.

For the last two weeks, I have been pulling my hair back and thinking about cutting my hair, but my promise/bet stayed in my head. I would grab the scissors and hear Crosby, Stills, and Nash singing Almost Cut My Hair/ Happened Just the Other Day and would climax with my tossing the scissors down as the lyrics I Feel Like I Owe It to Someone blasted in my head. Despite the Earworm enticing me to keep my hair, a voice in the back of my head compelled me to pick up the scissors again everyday and repeat the process until Saturday when the scissors finally closed.

I felt my heart pounding just before I pulled a Delilah on my Samson persona fearing the same outcome, but the sound of the steel splitting the fibers of hair compelled me to keep going. The sound even managed to drown out the Earworm begging me to keep the hair. I could hear crowds cheering as I made each following cut. I knew I made the right choice.

I tried my best to fulfill your promise to “John” made all those years ago. I told my boss that growing my hair was the form my “midlife crisis” was going to take so he would allow me to grow it out. I put up with over two years of looking horrible all in the name of “turning 40 with a ponytail,” but that was 18 Year Old Me Idealism. 40 Year Old Me Realism realized I don’t have anywhere near enough hair to grow it out and not look like one of those old men with a ponytail I used to make fun of. Ironically, my hair looks fuller and my bald spot smaller now.

Don’t take it personally 18 Year Old Me. As I get older and my time with you gets further and further away, you become cooler and cooler in my mind than you probably ever were and I even envy you sometimes.

Love Always,
40 Year Old Me

Osama Been Gotten

2011-05-02T10:01:00.003-04:00

I just wanted to use that headline. A few more jokes. You won't like the second one at all:

1. I feel bad for my niece, Nola. It was going to be hard enough keeping which President Bush went to war against Iraq and Saddam, but now she must also remember it was Obama who got Osama, and not the other way around. Thank G-d Clinton didn't win or else she would have had to learn "Bush went to war with Iraq followed by Clinton followed by Bush going to war with Iraq followed by Clinton who killed Osama."

2. I am so proud Obama FINALLY did something different than Bush: he actually got Osama.

3. How long until the Birthers start demanding to see the Long Form Death Certificate?

Trump: a Parody to the Tune of Lump

2011-04-28T09:57:00.000-04:00

Trump sat a home
"How can this be?"
It has been five minutes
He hasn't been on the TV
Trumps broken ego
Hatched a pathetic plan
"I'll join the Tea Party
And say Obama's an African"

He's Trump
He's Trump
He's Trump
What's that on his head?
He's Trump
He's Trump
He's Trump
I think he's brain dead.

Trump got inspired
Went on TV
Said "Obama ain't American
Like you and like me"
Obama then proved
That wasn't the case
Then Trump switch attacks
To keep the egg from his face

He's Trump
He's Trump
He's Trump
He has no clue
He's Trump
He's Trump
He's Trump
I thank G-d he ain't a Jew

Obama's Birth Certificate- Why I Can't Accept It

2011-04-27T14:49:00.002-04:00

I just realized this is not enough information. I need the following before I can accept this as valid:

The medical license of the presiding doctor.

The medical school records of the presiding doctor.

The accreditation of the medical school attended by the presiding doctor.

The accreditation of the hospital

The complete history of the hospital and all administrators

The names of every other person born the same week as Obama so I can ask if they remember seeing him.

The qualifications of every instructor the presiding doctor had while attending medical school.

The qualifications of every administrator who had a role in the hiring of every instructor the presiding doctor had while attending medical school

The prior experience of the construction company that built the hospital

Three witnesses not in Hawaii at the time of birth who saw the birth.

One partridge in a pare-tree.

Is that so much really?

Arguing Against the Existence of the Flying Spaghetti Monster

2011-04-20T13:15:00.007-04:00

Since I have decided to start blogging more often to get my "writing chops" back into shape, I have picked today, 4/20, to argue against the existence of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

What is the Flying Spaghetti Monster? Well, according to their website (yes, the follower of the Flying Spaghetti Monster have a website):

I and many others around the world are of the strong belief that the universe was created by a Flying Spaghetti Monster. It was He who created all that we see and all that we feel. We feel strongly that the overwhelming scientific evidence pointing towards evolutionary processes is nothing but a coincidence, put in place by Him.

Bet you thought I was making it up. They call the practice "Pastafarianism." My sense of humor is abstract and sharp, but not THAT abstract and sharp. I am in awe of this. Anyway, here are my three top reasons it cannot exist:

1. There is no evidence that it flies. It does move through the air, but is this the result of self-propulsion or the after effects of a leap we don't know.

2. Are we sure it is made up of Spaghetti and not say Linguini or even Lasagna noodles? Can we even say for certain that the FSM is of Italian descent as is implied by the use of Italian cuisine to name it?

3. Is "Monster" accurate? Could not the flying spaghetti aspect simply be the result of an unwatched child at Olive Garden and not the sign of a sentient being?

3B. Also, the word "Monster" has such a negative connotation that it is hard to imagine such a being being benevolent and therefore worthy of worship.

Stupid as all Hell I know. Happy 420

Brief View on Scre4m (AKA Scream 4)

2011-04-18T11:13:00.007-04:00

Brief View: That sucked eggs.

Longer View: No, that really sucked eggs and the eggs were rotten to begin with. I thought I was watching a parody of the Scream movies rather than an actual Scream flick. I mean the actors were there from the other Scream movies, and the mask was there, and the voice, the knife, the clumsy killer, but the frights...not so much.

To give you an idea how bad it was, I saw it on a Saturday night on opening weekend and, even though the theater was three-quarters full of teens, it was silent for the entire length of the movie. Seriously, not a single scream or shriek or even gasp for the entire runtime of this supposed "horror" movie.

I am not even going to go on with this review. It would be pointless. I am just not in the mood to be as negative as would be required to do this wreck of an insult of a parody of a horror movie. That alone should tell anyone who knows me just how horrid this movie was as I love to rag on weak movies. This was just bad, horrible, and not even good enough to mock.

There was one redeeming factor: I used a free pass so I didn't have to pay for this insult to my senses.

Brief View on Hanna

2011-04-11T10:19:00.007-04:00

Brief View: Damn Fun

Longer View: I saw Hanna this weekend. I will not spoil anything story wise, mainly because I can't; there really isn't much of one: a girl who can kill on the run from a government agency. Think Bourne Identity mixed with La Femme Nikita with sprinkles of Run, Lola Run and The Professional liberally spread all over. Basically, the makers of this movie were obviously real big Luc Besson fans and made a very effective tribute to the director.

While the story is weak and more a method to get from one action set piece to the next, they are very well done. The director, Joe Wright, showed a lot of faith in the ability of his actors to pull off the choreography the fight scenes demanded; something you don't see often enough in today's world of quick cuts and tight camera shots. The highlight for me came in the form of a 360 degree, one take fight sequence that really made me forget this was a PG-13 film.

And speaking of the rating, for a PG-13 movie, I am quite surprised at how effective the suspense of the chase sequences and the quality of the fight scenes actually were. I very quickly forgot there were things that could not happen due to the rating of the film and found myself wondering a few times "what is going to happen next?"

The weakness of the film sadly comes across anytime and every time a connection is supposed to be made between characters, any characters. The father/daughter dynamic is barely there, the villains seem to act villainous because they are expected to, and the main character runs and fights because it is what the scene calls for. Even a British family we spend some time with seems more like a collection of actors playing parts rather than an actual family on vacation.

Overall, this movie was fun and that is what we go to the movies for, right? Even with no story, I am eager for a sequel and I think and hope the world has found a great new action star in Saoirse Ronan.

Brief View on Insidious

2011-04-04T13:22:00.003-04:00

I saw Insidious this weekend. I will not spoil anything story wise.

The Bullet Point Version
If you are looking for a creepy movie, then go see Insidious, but leave once you see the gas mask.

If you are looking for a good and well made ghost story, then go see Insidious, but leave once you see the gas mask.

If you are not concerned with story or consistency or payoff, then stay until the end.

The Sort of Longer Version
The first half was one of the scariest movies I have seen in quite sometime. The problem with the movie is that the "myth" it uses is designed for a series of films and they kind of lose focus half way through with the story and go instead to define the rules of this new myth for future movies.

Overall, a good solid creepy ghost story that overstays its welcome and tries to be a small fish in a big pond instead of being the quality big fish in the small pond it started as.

Libya

2011-03-25T13:27:00.002-04:00

What I have learned is this: while I opposed Bush's wars because I oppose war, my allies in that fight opposed Bush's wars because they opposed Bush.

I have also learned those on the Right who supported Bush's war are not warhawks as I thought, but as rabid for Bush as these people are today for Obama. They place party over not only country, but human life.

I accept the support of my newfound right leaning allies in the fight against war only because I oppose war and need the support, but I am well aware they do not share my ideals even though we oppose the same actions.

My Theme Song for 2011

2010-12-22T14:32:00.001-05:00

Whether I'm right or whether I'm wrong
Whether I find a place in this world or never belong
I gotta be me, I've gotta be me
What else can I be but what I am
I want to live, not merely survive
And I won't give up this dream
Of life that keeps me alive
I gotta be me, I gotta be me
The dream that I see makes me what I am
That far-away prize, a world of success
Is waiting for me if I heed the call
I won't settle down, won't settle for less
As long as there's a chance that I can have it all
I'll go it alone, that's how it must be
I can't be right for somebody else
If I'm not right for me
I gotta be free, I've gotta be free
Daring to try, to do it or die
I've gotta be me
I'll go it alone, that's how it must be
I can't be right for somebody else
If I'm not right for me
I gotta be free, I just gotta be free
Daring to try, to do it or die
I gotta be me

The Columbus Facts

2010-10-11T10:29:00.003-04:00

Here are the offical facts of Columbus and his time spent discovering America:

He Missed

So I hope you enjoyed this well researched and in depth piece I just finished writing about the triumphs and success of Christopher Columbus. I think this work I have just done best reflects the true nature of his fame and glory. The details you have found contained within this piece of historically accurate literature are based 100% on the factual records of Columbus and his journeys and time spent in North America.

The Trials of Brad: Thursday

2010-10-09T12:14:00.001-04:00

And upon the rising of the sun, so did G-d, in all his glory, gaze down upon yon sleeping Brad, safe within the confines of his bed, and did He say unto Himself "today beith the day for him."

And so Brad awoke as usual 15 minutes before his alarm and stretched within the confines of his bed, and did he say unto himself "this is good," but G-d did laughth.

And so Brad stubbed his toe on the corner of his bed whilst on his sleepy-eyed journey to the bathroom and so G-d did giggle.

And as Brad walkith to retrieve his garbage bin did he see the garbage bags removed, but a ton of clumps of cat litter sitting comfortably within the confines of the bin and so G-d did sayith "gotcha!"

And so upon returning from the bid, did Brad's alarm system begin beeping and flashing the holy number "14" repeatedly and did G-d sayth "you ain't seen nothing yet."

And so Brad driveith to work and all is well and he did say unto himself "that G-d that's over" and G-d did respond "ya think?"

And as Brad sat at his desk at work, so did the phones and internet die suddenly and without cause and G-d sayith "whatcha gonna do now?"

And so Brad driveith himself over to the lab which uses a different phone system only for his driver side car window to die suddenly and without cause and G-d sayith "I got more; oh I got more."

And upon Brad's desk at the lab sat not one, but devices used for sleep studies which did die suddenly and without cause and G-d did say "told ya I had more."

And Brad's cell phone did ring and the alarm company did callith to tell him that his alarm was beeping and flashing the holy number "14" and that it required his attention. A new battery, double A in size is all that is needed. And Brad did think a ray of sunshine had come into his day and G-d did bring the clouds.

And on his return to the office from the lab did Brad learn two patients had canceled for that night and that a Tech would now have to be told he wasn't going to work. And Brad did sigh and G-d did say "I know how much you love that."

And even though Brad had pickith up a Double A battery on his way home, two in fact, so did he come to realize upon getting home that double A was the wrong battery and he would have a flashing holy number "14" for one more day.

And G-d began to take pity on poor Brad who still had yet to curse or scream or even kill anyone.

And so that day ended for Brad at 6:00PM as he went back and safe within the confines of his bed to cheat bad luck and he did awake the next day to sunshine and good fortune, thank G-d. And G-d did say "you are very welcome."

I Got It!

2010-10-07T14:54:00.000-04:00

Just what makes that little old ant think he can move that rubber tree plant?

Delusion and possibly drugs.

A Creative Spark

2010-10-06T11:50:00.003-04:00

I read a story today about a man's girlfriend who called 911 on him because he would not get a job.

LEBANON, Mo. — A 35-year-old man was charged in Missouri with possessing marijuana after his girlfriend called 911 and said she was tired of him smoking pot all day instead of working.

This sparked a few songs in my head that I would like to share with you.

The first is to the tune of Paul Simon's "50 Ways to Leave your Lover"

My girlfriend asked me if I plan to get a job
She was tired of dating an unemployed stoned slob
But I told her
Wouldn't it be nice
If she got a job instead.

She said there was no way that she was gonna work
She said I was acting like a loser stoned jerk
But I told her
I do this for fun
I didn't know she'd call 911

You can be a narc on Clark"
"Just call the 5-0, ho"
Don't hit the pipe, Mike
Just get a job.

Don't try and inhale Gale
Stay away from the pot, Scott
Don't get the munchies, Louise
Just get a job

Then I had another flash of inspiration:

To the tune of "The Boxer" by Simon and Garfunkel

On the sofa sits a stoner
Who cannot find a trade
He would rather just watch the TV
Smoke some pot and then get laid
But his girlfriend had enough
She cannot take no more
"I am leaving
I am leaving"
And she heads out of the door

I really enjoy sight seeing in my mind sometimes. I never know what is waiting for me there.

The Big 3/4th!

2010-10-04T13:48:00.003-04:00

Well, that was fucking FUN! I went to see Anthrax, Megadeth, and Slayer last night. Wouldn't you know this was the first show I was running late for in my life? For the first time in Metal history, a show that was supposed to start at 7 actually began at 6:45: old rocker friendly! The sad part is that I ended up missing half of Anthrax. I came in as "Indians" was hitting the climax.

What I did hear and see of Anthrax blew me away! They sounded better than ever and age has not slowed them down at all; either speed of music or antics on stage. They know how to work a crowd and get them ready for the chaos to come.

Megadeth came out next and started by playing 1991's Rust in Peace from beginning to end and then followed with a mix of new and old songs. I did not get the songs I wanted from the mix, but my fandom is pretty much limited to the first four of theirs, so I didn't expect much considering they have 30 years of material to choose from and I was lucky to get what I did. They did not really engage the crowd much, but that is what you expect from Dave Mustane: ego. He makes up for it with skill and my G-d was that on display.

Slayer...never a fan so I didn't hang around for them actually. It was a Sunday show and I had a 10 am meeting scheduled for Monday. If one of those two were not true, I would have stayed. Slayer is Slayer and a legend of metal.

Now then, if you want entertainment you must go check this tour out. The 35+ Mosh pit was something to behold. No kids allowed and it was awesome as kids today do not know how to mosh properly. It is not a fight and not about drawing blood. No fists, no elbows, no knees. If someone falls, pick them up. Any kid that tried to mosh was quickly tossed to the sidelines since they don't seem to understand the order of the chaos.

Did I mosh? No, but I always seem to be on the outer rim of the pit so I am always right there anyway.

It was the 80's reborn with bald spots! So fun.

Resident Evil: Afterlife 3D

2010-09-19T17:30:00.005-04:00

I have just returned from seeing Resident Evil: Afterlife and I am torn on it. To present the various perspectives on this movie, I present my Internal Monologue between Left Brain and Right.

L: That was the best 3D I have ever seen.

R: True, but 3D what?

L: The scenes in falling water were simply breath taking.

R: Yeah, but what exactly was the point of the movie? I realize the Umbrella Corporation are the villains, but to what end?

L: Does that matter? The 3D was incredible.

R: Yes, OK, we get it: the 3D was amazing. I will agree with me on that point. I will even add there are a few moments where I felt the drops of the camera.

L: The smoke was really cool too.

R: Yes, the smoke was really cool too. So was all the slow motion in the fighting.

L: You could really see the details of the 3d, right? Like the bullets flying towards you and such?

R: Yes, but there was so much slow motion that I feel the actual movie was simply 50 minutes long with half slowed down just to help it stretch to 100. Hell, there was one part where the entire thing just stopped!

L: SHHH! No spoilers!

R: That isn't a "spoiler." Look, it was a lot of fun and, if you are going to see it, see it on a big screen for certain, but don't look for any story.

L: You...erm, I haven't seen any of the other ones.

R:True, but this was Matrix in 3D more than it was a Zombie movie of any description. Faceless cops in black; a guy in shades and a black trench coat; room full of weapons; fight in a white room- I thought of Matrix more than I thought of "Zombie Flick."

L: Yeah...it was HEAVILY inspired by Matrix and there will be little to no point in seeing this movie in 2D as there is no story to speak of.

R: Exactly! I starts in the middle of a battle and ends in the middle of a battle. If you want to make a TV series, then put the damn thing on TV!

L: Would you recommend this then?

R: For cool eye candy? Yes. As a narrative? No.

L: Pity there was no "3D Naked Underwater Ballet" this time.

R: On that we agree.

Face of Today

2010-09-13T16:59:00.003-04:00

I met an old man today living at the gas station near work. He is living there because that happens to be where his van ran out of gas. Proud old man too, not used to or prepared for this kind of life. He tried to ask me for money, but couldn't get the words out. Pride held them in. It took me hearing what little of his story he could get out twice to figure out his circumstances and what he couldn't ask.

I didn't have much, but my seven dollars made his eyes swell and he couldn't get "thank you" out. The look on his face told me that, to him, "thank you" was just not enough. He hadn't eaten in two days and I was only the second person to actually listen to him or show him attention at all. It has depressed me for the remainder of my day that I could not do more.

If I got conned, so be it. I don't believe I was; nobody is that good of an actor. I didn't notice his van at the gas station when I drove home, so I must assume he got more help somewhere. Seven dollars doesn't buy much.

A Rosh Hashanah Joke

2010-09-09T10:02:00.002-04:00

An Orthodox, a Conservative, and a Reformed Jew were discussing the upcoming Rosh Hashanah holiday and the conversation eventually became a competition and debate of whose Temple is more devout as is normal when you get a bunch of Jews together discussing anything.

The Orthodox Jew started the debate by saying "I can't believe how devout my Temple is. Every year we have to spend both days of Rosh Hashanah praying all day and we spend the evenings with our families."

The Conservative Jew took offense at this claim and countered with "well my Temple is open both days as well, but we only expect people to come pray to G-d on one of those days and they should spend the other with their families and celebrating."

The Reformed Jew listened quietly to both people bragging about their Temples, chuckled softly, and grinned.

"My Temple," he said, "places a huge banner across the door way that says 'Closed for the Holidays!'"

Piranha 3D

2010-08-28T17:18:00.002-04:00

Just got back from Piranha 3D and I am not going to say it was a good movie. I am going to say four words however and, after those four words you will know if this is the movie for you or not. Are you ready? Those four words are:

3D UNDERWATER NAKED BALLET

You haven't left for the theater yet? Tough crowd. OK. How about this:

The movie starts with Richard Dreyfuss dressed as he was in 1975's JAWS, singing "Show Me the Way to Go Home," while drinking Amity Beer in the middle of water.

Still here? I didn't think so.

Go turn off your mind and have a great time full of gratuitous 3D breasts, random detached body parts, and killer fish. It was a blast and I will probably go again very soon.

My (Short) View of Faith

2010-08-26T09:36:00.001-04:00

Here (once again) is my explanation for different faiths, but still the same G-d.

We are all different. We have different understandings of things and different motivations for doing them. Some of us require reward to motivate us while others need a fear of punishment. Some can live life with few rules while others need structure to feel secure. G-d understands this which is why there are so many faiths. Don't look at the various texts- G-d is not an author.

You know right and wrong: it is the playground rules.

Don't hit
Share
Treat people as you want to be treated
Be honest

The rest is man added fluff.

Naming Places of Tomorrow....Today!

2010-08-24T14:16:00.003-04:00

In honor of Obama Elementary school opening up, I have decided to list some other places we really need opened and soon. Most are funny; some are stupid; and some are in really poor taste:

The Don Rumsfeld Center for Strategic Planning

The Florida School of Counting

The Newt Gingrich Fidelity Center

The Rush Limbaugh Institute of Drug Research

The Dr Laura Race-relations Outreach

Dan Quayle Airporte

George H W Bush High- Read my Lips: NO NEW GRADUATES

Clinton University- ask about our internships!

George W Bush College- Our sports teams suck, but boy can we cheer!

The Gerald Ford Gymnastics team.

George W Bush International Airport: planes take off for Saudi Arabia but end up in Iraq.

Billy Carter Rehab facility

Bristol Palin Abstinence center

Ronald Reagan Memory Center

The George Bush College of Pronuncication and Speechifying.

New...the Monica Lewisky Cigar Humidifier!

G-d Loves the Stupid; He Made So Many

2010-08-23T09:50:00.005-04:00

There was a massive protest at the place the proposed Mosque is to be built in New York yesterday. I am not going to get into the details of it, that can be found here: THE PROTEST

What I am going to talk about however is this one sentence that stood out to me like a glaring beacon of stupidity:

Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the USA" blared over loudspeakers as mosque opponents chanted, "No mosque, no way!"

Have they ever listened to the song "Born in the USA" by any chance? It is quite far from a "pro-America" song and really not the song they want to bring up in regards to this situation.

Born in the USA tells the tale of a man who is born in a poor town and shit on most of his young life. He is then drafted for the Vietnam war and sent over to fight. While there, a friend of his has a child with a local girl, is killed, and the speaker returns home with only a photo of the man and his child to remember. He find the economic situation at home horrible; is unable to find a job; and finds even the VA unwilling or unable to help. The man looks at all this happening to him and thinks "I was born in the USA." In the end, he goes to prison for 10 years and is released homeless.

It is endlessly ironic to me that these people, who think they are showing pride in their country by showing religious intolerance are playing a song about America not living up to its name.

BORN IN THE USA lyrics

Born down in a dead man's town
The first kick I took was when I hit the ground
You end up like a dog that's been beat too much
'Til you spend half your life just covering up

[chorus:]
Born in the U.S.A.
Born in the U.S.A.
Born in the U.S.A.
Born in the U.S.A.

I got in a little hometown jam
And so they put a rifle in my hands
Sent me off to Vietnam
To go and kill the yellow man

[chorus]

Come back home to the refinery
Hiring man says "Son if it was up to me"
I go down to see the V.A. man
He said "Son don't you understand"

[chorus]

I had a buddy at Khe Sahn
Fighting off the Viet Cong
They're still there, he's all gone
He had a little girl in Saigon
I got a picture of him in her arms

Down in the shadow of the penitentiary
Out by the gas fires of the refinery
I'm ten years down the road
Nowhere to run, ain't got nowhere to go

I'm a long gone Daddy in the U.S.A.
Born in the U.S.A.

As you can see, Born in the USA is far from the "American Pride" song most people seem to think it is. It shows the ironic double standard of America and how the land we think we live in is not the land we live in.

To me, this is like advertising the movie IRON MAN with the Black Sabbath song of the same name: did the makers of that movie look at the song beyond the title? Did they catch "Kills the People He Once Saved?" Not very heroic.

Pre-show

2010-08-18T21:18:00.003-04:00

Ever feel like you have front row seats to oblivion and the entire thing is just waiting for you to give it the go ahead? The entire self-destructive implosion of reality is at the gate just patiently waiting for you to say "yeah, I think I am ready now?" I didn't, but I am starting to think I do.

To quote a great Tool song:
I sure could use a vacation from this stupid shit.

Let the show begin!

Praise for a Big Company?

2010-07-26T13:23:00.002-04:00

I bash the "Big Boys" so often that I felt it was time I shared a story of the "Big Boy" taking my side over the "Small Player."

My Samsung TV is dying. It turns itself off and on at least 3 times when I try to turn it on and takes an average of 2 minutes to show a picture. To give you an idea, my computer turns on and loads Firefox faster than my TV shows a picture. The worst part is that it is a little over 3 years old. My old TV lasted 15 years and I treated it like crap. I dust my Samsung daily.

So anyway, I went to the forums in search of others with my same problem and I found thousands of us: basically everyone who bought my TV around the same time I did. The forums warned of a fight with Samsung to get them to fix it, but they would if you fought hard and long. I prepared myself for a fight and called Samsung.

Samsung, it turned out, was not prepared for a fight and was, instead very helpful. They asked for my TV's serial number and then confirmed it was part of a series that were made with a Power Supply defect that they would fix at no charge. Even better, I did not have to ship my TV to them; they would pay to send someone to me. I was happy and awaiting my call from the local Samsung repair center.

Today, Monday, I got a call from Lakes Electronics, the local Samsung repair outlet, and they informed me that they would not be repairing my TV. They said they were behind in the payments from Samsung and refused to honor any new contracts until they were paid by Samsung. I was shocked; mainly because this was none of my business. I called Samsung immediately, once again prepared for a fight, and once again Samsung disarmed me.

Samsung was shocked that Lakes Electronics would refuse service AND that they would give the excuse that they did. Not that it was or was not true, but that it was none of my business as a customer of both parties.

I asked the Customer Service person what my options were as it was out of Best Buy's warranty and nobody was willing to repair it. She checked and saw that Lakes Electronics were the only option for me. I sighed. They placed me on hold and then returned with the news of "we will repair your TV with our repair people or we will replace it for you, but you will not be charged and we are so sorry this has happened."

How can I be mad? I may have just become a Samsung customer for life.

A Great Quote

2010-07-21T17:02:00.003-04:00

Seth MacFarlane, the creator and main voice actor for Family Guy said something that I have been trying to say for a while now. He says it better.

"People in America, they're getting dumber. They're getting less and less able to analyze something and think critically, and pick apart the underlying elements. And more and more ready to make a snap judgment regarding something at face value, which is too bad."

This is true from Biden saying "Blitzkrieg" as a tactic and people screaming "he compared us to Nazis" to the current flap over the head of the USDA and her "racist" statement that turned out to be a tale of overcoming racism.

Slow down America and learn to listen and think. Stop reacting to what you THINK the other person is going to say and try responding to what they ACTUALLY say.

Why Fast Zombies?

2010-07-19T13:11:00.004-04:00

I have been thinking about this question for a while now; pretty much since the birth of the Fast Zombie and the debate about them first sprung up. I think I have come up with both a justification for the Fast Zombie as well as the reasoning behind their creation.

First, the justification: Zombies are generally thought of as slow moving and stupid. This is mainly due to the deterioration of the organs, the setting in of Gangrene and the stiffening of the muscles that occurs with death: but what of the newly dead? It takes a period of time for those post-death conditions to set in and it is usually a much longer time than it takes the average person to succumb to a bite from a Zombie.

Logically speaking, for the first few hours of zombification, the person infected should be an undead version of themselves. They should be able to speak, recognize people and objects, retain motor skills, and would therefore be just as they were when alive. They could even be theoretically faster since fatigue would not be a factor. It would be over the course of several hours that they would lose these human traits and devolve into the Zombie of the 60's.

Now that (I hope) I have justified the Fast Zombie in your mind, why did they even bother screwing with the Zombie Formula in the first place?

When Night of the Living Dead first came out and Survival Horror was born, the scares came from the fact that monsters were us. The horror for Barbara solidified itself when her Zombie Brother came after her later in the film. It was not that it was zombie, but that it had been someone she loved who was now trying to kill her. I think that aspect is lost on modern audiences.

For people of my generation who grew up watching Mad Max films and playing video games, we saw the Zombie movie as some perverse fantasy world: it was just another apocalypse where we could fantasize about being bad-ass heroes. We watched the movies for the thrill of "what would I do" and mostly forgot the zombies were us.

As my generation grew up and started making our own zombie movies, we took the Romero-mystery out of Zombies and turned it from a "mysterious curse" to a disease; usually made by us. We lost sympathy for the zombie and therefore lost our fear of them, but Hollywood remembered that they used to scare us, not thrill us.

Enter the Fast Zombie!

We watched Night of the Living Dead and we all thought the same thing: I would live because the Zombies are so slow and stupid! No fear. No worry. We knew we could take our time to line up a head shot or even "Bruce Campbell" them with a chainsaw if need be. That all changed with films like 28 Days Later. Suddenly, the zombies were faster than we were; they were stronger; more cunning.

The Fast Zomibe took our fantasy where we were the bad-ass hero and turned us into prey. Zombie survival now required training and was not something anyone could do. Once again, we feared a world overrun by zombies.

Curse the Fast Zombie if you must, but realize that they, in their quick undead state of being, gave life to the Zombie Movie and brought horror back to us.

A Posting of Mine From Another Blog

2010-07-14T18:56:00.002-04:00

Are you a pervert and a Republican? Then Texas wants you. We have decided that the best way to stop the Mexicans from crossing the border is to stock the state with the most inbred, rabid, perverted freaks we could find, so naturally we looked to the GOP, or the Gang Of Perverts as we like to call 'em down here.

And if you are a pervert and a Republican and do not currently hold any office, we will be more than happy to redistrict the state to make room for you.

Texas: Gonna Make you Squeal Like a Pig

My Fake Cigarette Failure: Part Two

2010-06-28T13:20:00.003-04:00

I gave such a scathing review on Friday, that I feel an update is warranted.

I have played with my fake cigarette off and on all weekend and it does appear to be working much better. I would say I get a hit every 6 out of 10 drags now. It seems I just had to learn how to use it. I see little point in this product for me still, but I also bought the "zero nicotine" cartridges. They do sell cartridges with nicotine amounts up to a full strength cigarette, but I am not willing to reintroduce nicotine into my diet. People who still chew nicotine gum like mad however should consider such a product.

It is not a scam I must say at this point. My hostile attitude towards it at first was probably because of it not properly warmed up. As it is a vaporizer, it does need to heat up some before it works like a real cigarette.

I am going to try some of their other flavors before calling it a 100% waste for me, but those still hooked on nicotine would get much use out of such a product I think.

My Fake Cigarette Failure

2010-06-24T12:56:00.004-04:00

I bought one of those electronic cigarettes yesterday. I have been chewing on straws like a madman and have been staring at smokers in old movies with a jealous feeling, so I thought I would try one of those. I don't want to start buying cigarettes again at all, but I do enjoy the act of smoking and miss it. Well, if you are like me, then DO NOT BUY ONE OF THOSE SCAM TOYS!!! Thank G-d I just had a birthday or else I would be really pissed about this "toy" I bought that never works called the electronic cigarette.

I will not name the maker of this particular scam other than to say it is a combination of what you do with it and the number of states plus Puerto Rico. I think this will make so that, while not leading you to the name, it will help those who were scammed like I was recognize the villain of my tale.

One: It is the most inconsistent product I have ever used in my life. The instruction book claims slow drags will do, but they obviously have never used this product. Slow drags do nothing. You have to suck like you are drinking a milkshake to get it to even try to work. Then, when the red tip is glowing to let you know it is working, you should exhale smoke, right? Wrong. Maybe one in 10 ties do I exhale some little bits of smoke, but most of the time it is nothing.

Two: It tastes like crap! It claims to be tobacco flavored, but I can tell you the flavor is burning paper when you get any. As stated in point one, 9 out of 10 times the thing doesn't work, but you do know when it does because your mouth tastes like, well, from college, when you first lit a joint and only the paper burned, but you had to inhale to get it lit: that is the flavor of this thing.

Three: For something not working, damn does it get hot! I suck and suck and suck trying to get a hit from it and, while it does nothing for me, it must be doing something because the thing become hot enough to, well, light a cigarette off of.

It does have one redeeming feature though. It is really cool to open up the case, assemble your cigarette, smoke it (when it works), and then put it straight from your mouth back into the case. I feel very "Gomez Addams" being able to take something straight from my pocket, put it in my mouth, blow out smoke, and re-pocket it.

If this thing worked, HOLY SHIT would that have been cool, but it doesn't. I am back on the coffee straws for the time being. I am going to try and return it tomorrow, but the place I bought it had a "no refunds" sign. I am going to take one of my cuter co-workers along with me to charm the guy. Cross your fingers.

A Considerate Inconvenience

2010-06-22T12:42:00.004-04:00

What should I do with G-d's attention since I obviously have the Big Guy's undivided today? As I have often said, our reality is G-d's entertainment and boy am I entertaining him today. I should almost have a full one share by the end of today actually. Given that there is only one viewer, a one share is pretty damn good. Any real TV people out there should forgive my misuse of the share concept.

My two-story abode is a two and a half bath, of which I use one and a half. My master bedroom has one naturally and I have one downstairs for my TV viewing needs. That third bathroom, the upstairs guest bathroom I suppose, has been reduced to a kitty liter holding area. It used to be the room I kept one litter box in, but my cats really seem to either like using the floor or dig watching me sweep and clean. Either way, I go in there enough to clean it, but never really glance around. I already know both the toilet and shower are, while working, not great and therefore never get dirty. Sure, once in a while I go and clean the dust, but that is really all that gets there.

Anywho, today I decided to change the showerhead in my master bathroom because I saw one at Target that looked just awesome, so I bought it. It being lunch and the box expressed an ease of changing, I decided to head home and do it quickly. Hahaha on me because it was at that moment G-d tuned in. Someone put superglue in the grooves of the nozzle I had to remove to put my new kick-ass showerhead up.

I turned and turned and strained and twisted.
I hammered and pounded and heated and pleaded.
I cursed and bartered and schemed and invented
I was laughed at, turned down, scoffed, and defeated.

As I turned to leave my shower, I clearly heard: NO NEW SHOWERHEAD FOR YOU! COME BACK ONE YEAR. I remember thinking "funny, I never knew my shower was a Seinfeld fan." Funny how you can live with something for 9 years and never know that much about them. Oh, story...

I decided very quickly that it was time to use my other bathroom and my nine-year neglected shower of the kitty's bathroom. At the very least, it would blow their little minds, but G-d was not quite through with his entertainment for the day. Right above my tub was a hole, rather nice sized, and in it was another hole that probably lead to yet another that ended with my roof I would bet. I am lucky it was over my tub, but how long has it been there?

I should be really pissed off that I have another hole in my roof, on the other side this time so it isn't even the same leak as before, but I can't be. It was over my tub. Sure, it has probably been there for a few months and I never knew about it, but it limited the damage it did by appearing over something watertight and with a drain. How can I possibly be upset at such a considerate inconvenience?

Just Call Me "Brad Benny"

2010-06-16T12:36:00.003-04:00

Tomorrow starts a new phase in my life and I am dedicating it to the show that got me so into Old Time Radio that I cannot fall asleep listening to anything else. It involves a 20+ year running joke and, it seemed like such a great idea that I am co-opting it. I will always give credit where credit is due since it was not my idea, but, as of tomorrow and in honor of the great Jack Benny, I will only celebrate turning 39! That's right, tomorrow I turn 39 and one year from tomorrow....I will turn 39. Twenty years from tomorrow guess what? That's right, we will be celebrating my 39th birthday!

What this means to you is, if you can't be with me tomorrow to celebrate turning 39, don't worry. G-d willing, I will have many 39th birthdays to come.

Brief Sample of the "Script" I am Working On

2010-06-14T13:47:00.003-04:00

I have been trying to find a sample section of the script I am working on to post to: 1) prove I am actually doing it to the skeptics; 2)posting it on Blogger acts as a Copyright; and 3) because my ego demands it. I have looked over it and over it and I think I have found a part that can be followed without giving away too much of the main plot, although the B-story is clearly explained. PLEASE let me know in total honesty what you think of it. Please do not read it and not comment. The formatting of it seems to have changed when I cut and paste, so I know it is not properly formatted for a script.

So, here is a scene from Act One of "Charlie Gets Glasses":

Dennis cutting in: Look, regardless, do you know where Frank is Charlie?

Charlie: Why do you need him so badly anyway?

Mac: Oh, well, Dennis and me...

Dennis: Dennis and I.

Mac: Dude, you are getting really annoying with that. Dennis and I (glares at Dennis) have been trying to settle which of us can drink more for a few days now. The problem is, we keep drinking so much, we black out and can't remember who won.

Dennis: Yeah, so we need Frank to watch it and let us know who won the next day.

Dee comes in.

Charlie: Dude! I could totally judge that!

Dee: Judge what?

Mac: No you can't.

Dee: Judge what?

Dennis: There is no way we will let you judge it.

Charlie: Why not?

Dee: Judge what?

Mac: Besides the fact that there is nothing to “judge,” we only need a witness? You're corrupt Charlie.

Dee: Am I speaking out loud?

Charlie: I am what?

Dennis: You totally are. Remember when we used to let you referee our basketball games?

Dee: I am here, right?

Charlie: What about it?

Mac: You openly offered to take bribes!

Charlie: It was not “openly.”

Dennis: You held an auction at halftime!

SO, what do you think?

The Story Goes On

2010-06-11T15:20:00.003-04:00

I have offically started Act Two of my "It's Always Sunny" script. I know, I know, this has been going on and on and on and on and on, but I was uninspired for a few months and fell behind. My current script is upto 18 pages now. I think it is funny, but then again I think Roadhouse is awesome, so it may just suck. I just wanted to update everyone that yes, I am still writing, but I do not force myself to write unless I have something I have to say....except this post which was 100% forced, but I felt an update was needed, or wanted, or at least due.

FOR THOMAS JEFFERSON!

2010-06-07T10:33:00.003-04:00

Minds are empty, heads are hollow.
You might find out the truth is hard to swallow.
There's a place down there, where heads are square.
Laws are tough and few are fair.
There is a law and there is a lawman.
Who is the right, and who is the wrong man.
It doesn't take much to kill a guy.
Don't get in my face and ask me why...
Texas is the place...
HANG'EM HIGH!

Beers, steers, and queers
Cowboy
Beers, steers, and queers
Whee-haw!

Texas is full of women and willies
Eyes too close, filthy hillbillies
Who are these people, raised in barns
Fools in boots have sex on farms
Texas hoedown, this is the lowdown
You're full of shit, destined to go down
Let's go down and herd 'em up
If you agree, let's word'em up
And if you don't...
THEN SHUT THE FUCK UP!

Beers, steers, and queers

Great Photo

2010-06-04T11:05:00.002-04:00

I can't access Facebook at work, so I am posting this great photo on my blog in hopes it shows.

Cat Training

2010-05-31T13:43:00.003-04:00

I have come to realize I will be an excellent husband due to the simple fact that I have lived with cats and only cats for the last 10 years. They have trained me and conditioned me to the point where I believe a wife will not be that big a change in my life. This realization is mainly thanks to the bagboy at Publix who, as he noticed my 20 pound box of litter, my shit ton of cans of wet food, and bag of dry, asked me how many cats I had and I sadly realized the answer was “none, but I live with two cats who at odds over me.” I think it was because I was buying myself cheap meat and the cat's food was Filet Mignon flavored. Anyway, I came to realize my time with cats has trained me to be the perfect husband.

1. I have already accepted that the house I bought for us to live in is 100% theirs and they allow me space.

2. Not giving them attention when they want it and giving them attention when they don't both ends the same way: my bloodshed.

3. Time spent watching movies or playing games is when they will seek my attention the most and go to the most extreme lengths to get it as a first option.

4. When they know they have pissed me off, they know it only takes one look to make me feel guilty for being pissed.

5. They go out of their way to piss me off.

6. No toy I buy, no matter how much they love it at first, will keep them happy longer than a day.

7. They are happiest when pampered, which gives my life peace, so pamper them.

8. Hell Knows No Furry...

9. You are not going to understand anything they say....ever.

10.You really get addicted to doing these things.

Today in Hypocrisy

2010-05-17T14:29:00.003-04:00

Rubio says "Every time a problem emerges, increasingly the reaction in American society is 'Well what can government do about it?'"

His solution to gay marriage?

Rubio, a lock for the GOP nomination now that Gov. Charlie Crist has decided to run as an independent, spent the day reinforcing conservative values, capped with a speech before the group that led the effort to put a gay marriage ban in the state constitution.

Source

You cannot make this stuff up folks.

RIP Ronnie James

2010-05-17T13:57:00.002-04:00

I remember my brother taping Heaven and Hell for me and I played that tape so many times, he had to make me a copy more than once. When Mob Rules came out, I had just had a birthday and it was the very first tape I ever bought with my own money. The following year, Live Evil became the first record I ever bought with my own money. I freaked out the day I found Long Live Rock and Roll on vinyl at Kendall Town and Country in the 80's. Basically, what I am trying to say is that Ronnie James Dio has been a large part of my musical life and he will always be remembered and loved.

RIP Ronnie. May you be the Last in Line at the Gates of Babylon. Long Live Rock and Roll!

Editing Beach Writings: Part One

2010-05-13T14:43:00.000-04:00

The moon filled the gap between the buildings entirely and the clouds parted to let it. Full to the point of bursting, it sent a ring of light out thousands of miles around itself just so it could contain itselfl. Even the stars moved to the other side of the sky in respect of the Lunar Majesty.

The beach was mine and mine alone for as far as I could see, save for the washed up corpse of an unlucky fish. Roaring waves welcomed me and this was the solitude I came here for: just me, a few scattered stars, and the Lunar Majesty watching over me.

There is a beckoning of the open ocean, the waves begging me to join them and the horizon teasing me with curiosity. I am not a nautical person by nature and I have never so much as sailed a boat, but something about the beach just looms and lures. Even the sea of random half naked sweating people on the shore during the daytime cannot diminish this perfection of night.

Perhaps it is because I was raised in the city of Miami and perhaps it is because I still live there under the nocturnal pink luminescence of city lights, but I often forget about all that is happening above and below me when there. The ground is solid and the sky is illuminated, so there is little mystery, even at night. The beach, on the other hand, especially the Gulf Beaches, have this “out on your own” feeling at night. They are so isolated from major cities, that there is actual darkness at night and stars that seem to boycott the city.

Right now, it is day and the people are out. The beach has a different vibe during the day as the children run and play on the dunes. It is an exciting and promising land full of high energy and song. Very unlike the night at the same beach. I prefer the solitude of the evening, but I do enjoy the watching of these people during the day. Helps me realize how unlike them I actually am.

It is odd to think of yourself as part of a species it is quite obvious you are not part of. I don't understand what motivates them, what inspires them, or why they do most of the things they do. The beach at night does not lend itself to these wonderments.

At night, the beach only draws your curiosity to the vast sky and the roaring seas: both hiding forms of life you may relate to better from your view. The dead fish on the shore only serves to fuel my curiosity of what lies beneath, but my allergies have never allowed me to explore below and will probably keep me from ever exploring above. The pressure would be too great, so I am left to sit, wonder, dream, and hopefully write...

“HE had the self assured confidence that drove the less secure into fits of envy fueled hate. He never bothered to consider these feelings may exist within the masses as he always deeply longed to be one of them and was not, as they felt, above them. Maybe it was because he didn't find men attractive, but he always saw himself as a disfigured freak. He looked in the mirror and looked at others of his supposed species and always noticed the difference between how they looked and he. Sure, they had common features: nose, two eyes, a mouth; but they seemed to be misaligned on his face compared to the others that were “like him.” He found beauty to be commonplace, but believed he missed out.

Perhaps he was of another species all together. Perhaps he was the alien among the normals. Perhaps beauty was rare among them and his self assured confidence as they saw it was due to the fact that, while they were what he felt were beautiful, so too was he to them. The gap he felt that prohibited him from reaching out to the masses was also felt by the masses in regards to him. To them, it was he who was beautiful beyond approach. He thought himself dumb because nobody understood him yet they felt themselves dumb for the same reason. They would see him and think “nobody that cool, that perfect could ever be stupid.” He would look at the blank faces surrounding him and think “I am not that cool or smart.”

This separation from what he thought versus what the others saw is what lead to his solitude because he felt the problem was with him. Overtime, he too hated them as much as he felt they hated him. He looked out on the masses and felt nothing. Sometimes there would be a feeling of wanting to join the herd, but that was fleeting. He was alone on a planet of twos and that was the way it was to be.

“Solitude ain't that bad once you get used to it,” he would often say. And, if you are crazy, like he was, then you always have plenty of company in your head to keep you company. Warring personalities trapped within a singular head can cause mass headaches however. This is best remedied through a strict and constant regime of medication, the more underground the better. Music seems to be the best medication, but does have lingering effect that can include, but not be limited to, the Earworm.

The Earworm is the most contagious of all ailments that afflict man. It is simple to spread, unlimited in scope, and made up of pure evil. It can infect you from something as harmless as a passing child singing a kid's tune that suddenly burrows deep within your brain and will not let go. Suddenly, you are an adult being caught singing Barney tunes and, when you have no children, this becomes hard to explain away. Soon, your friends all think you are that freak who digs Barney CD's and they begin keeping their children FAR away from you because any adult who digs Barney tunes is an adult not safe to be with kids. Why?

Any adult who digs Barney tune is either a retard who is not able to watch himself let alone kids, or is a pervert far too interested in watching kids. Either way, if you see an adult singing “I love you, you love me,” and you see no kids around...RUN!”