Tuesday, September 10, 2013
It is so easy to forget you have cancer; I mean you neither see nor feel it. The pains I have endured these last few weeks are all centered around treatment. All the cancer did was make it hard to poo. It is the treatment making it impossible to stop. And i am quite tired of changing underwear and bed sheets so often. I can catch most when I'm awake before they soil the scenery, but when I sleep there are no guards. The medication opens the gates and the tides are free to flow. Lucky for me I have no shame left. Posting this is pretty good proof of that I would say.
My weight is returning. It was once again a case of my body not liking patches. It anti-nausea patch was destroying me physically and mentally. So much so that my doctors wanted to hospitalize for my own health. Keep in mind this is about 10 weeks away from surgery. They also wanted to put the port in me this week which would mean an operation. I, via Rob the Logical, was able to get the main doctor to agree to give me to friday gain weight before we go drastic.
Good news is I took off the dreaded patch on Saturday and by Monday I was eating again. Just weighted myself and am up to 187.5 now. I was at 182 and had lost 20 pounds in the last 3 weeks.
It was Rob, the Logical who pointed out to me the simple truth that, with the exception of the chemo and the radiation, everything else i am currently taking are for relief; be it pain, nausea, gas, constipation, or diarrhea. If they not doing it for me, i can quit any and every one of them, so find the combo that works. Seems morphine every 12 hours with a muscle relaxant every 8 and another pain pill as needed does the trick. I only took one "as needed" pill today. Now I can enjoy the "I can't believe I ate that" diet like the milkshake my mom, Saint Joan made for me from vanilla ice cream, lactose-free milk, chocolate syrup and a 350 calorie Ensure. Total caloric overkill and it was awesome!
The routine is getting old. Only two more weeks of the following:
6:30am- wake up and eat an egg, then wait 30 minutes before taking chemo
7:00am- take chemo and try to go back to sleep
If I sleep- wake up at noon and get ready for radiation treatment.
If I do 't- do some work from home until radiation. There isn't much I can do from here, but it is some money.
1:10pm- go to South Miami hospital for radiation. Do my best to tolerate back pain from tumor pushing on a nerve when I sit.
2:00pm- strip down, get radiated, get probed, get scared, and on Wednesdays I get a massage. I like Wednesdays.
2:20pm- leave hospital and fail to tolerate back pain from tumor pushing on a nerve when I sit. Contort into positions that would inspire a new period of Picasso masterpieces.
3:00 pm- get home, take pain meds and go to sleep.
3:20pm- cramps come to visit
3:21pm- cramps seize control
3:22pm- cramps issue demands.
3:23pm- more contortions until a semi-comfortable pose can be reached.
6:00pm- wake up and attempt dinner. Doing much better now at this part. I can make a clean plate out of a kids meal finally.
6:30pm- I visit the bathroom on average 20 times a day. The tumor, in addition to sitting on a nerve, also is setting off the "I gotta go" alarm. This makes me go so often for little to no gain. Why do I keep falling for it? See the first paragraph; when I ignore, the brown will pour. 6:30 is the main showdown. I lose more than I win.
7:00-9:00pm- this is the part I like. This is when my parents and I visit and just hang out. Truly a treasured part that makes having cancer worth it.
9:00pm- drained from the day, I attempt say good night and attempt sleep.
9:00pm-6:30am- sleep 20 and attempt to go 10. This pattern has recently thankfully change to about sleep 40 and attempt 10, it real sleep is sill elusive.
So there ya have it. A day in a week in a year in a decade in my life.
Monday, September 02, 2013
Now that was a 3 day weekend!
Did I sleep? Hell yes I slept. And slept. And slept.
Did I eat? Hell yes I ate. Not was much as my doctors want (more on that later), but I ate more than I have in weeks.
Did I poo? To quote my niece, I went poopies! And not the rabbit turds I have grown used to producing, but actual nice solid logs of discarded organic matter and, more importantly, no blood. Yes, my ass is raw today from wiping and wiping and wiping and it is quite painful, but I'll take it because it means I went poopies!
Speaking of poopies, I have lost a shit-ton of weight since my birthday. I was 236 mid-June and am now 190. Pretty damned good, huh? Never looked this good before in my life. The doctors are concerned with the massive drop, but they didn't know me fat. It is a large number to lose in a short time, but I had the weight to lose and am now actively working on gaining weight ala the Dr Nick diet from early in the Simpsons' run.
I must consume 2500 per day. I am advised to drink an ensure with every meal. Avoid fruit and vegetables. Avoid anything that produces poo while maximizing calories. Oh the crap I can eat and how cruel to have no appetite to enjoy it. Good one G-d. Still love ya.
I have been cranky this weekend. Not sure why. Sorry to Saint Joan and Rob, the Logical. As much as I have needed Saint Joan's Virgo overload, I also rely on Rob, the Logical who has the uncanny ability to get past even the thickest walls of Gemini logical bullshit games I can play. And while I have always known he loved me as his own son,it is often hard to read the stoic and I have seen the true depths of his love for me. Do t care if you're tired of hearing it, but I could not do this without the combination of our strengths and concerns.
Tomorrow is the return to radiation and chemo. Yay? A return to side effects. Yay? Haven't missed those, but September 25th keeps coming closer. Then six weeks of nothing before stage 2, being the dreaded operation. Thinking of painting my nose red to see if they get the joke.