Wednesday, April 30, 2008

The Google Bomb

Today I am asking for a list of words that will help increase my traffic here. As much as I love SJ and VE for their daily visits, I am an American and therefore instinctively need more than I am offered and, if I cannot have it honestly, I will cheat. Please suggest terms and phrases that might get people to accidentally stumble upon my site thinking they found the gold mine.


Bush
Terrorism
Obama
Clinton
Sex
Porn
Miley
Spears
Crotch
flash
Disney
Tampon


Thank you for your support. Number of visits as of this post: 14538. Let's see if it works.

PS- I can see a train of thought going on in that list. Can you?

Monday, April 28, 2008

The Accidental Whore -OR- Kiddie Porn Goes Mainstream

Here is the top story of today (or at least what the mainstream press feels is the top story of the day): Miley Cyrus has appeared in a series of photos that shows nothing and is embarrassed that the photos she posed for, photographed by Annie Leibovitz in a Vanity Fair photo shoot was released in said magazine.
"I took part in a photo shoot that was supposed to be 'artistic' and now, seeing the photographs and reading the story, I feel so embarrassed...I never intended for any of this to happen and I apologize to my fans who I care so deeply about."


I have to specify that these supposed racy photos were taken by Annie Leibovitz because I could just as easily be talking about those bra photos that “accidentally” were released to TMZ a few weeks ago or actually last week. Nothing like flashing your way to fame and fortune, right Ms. Hilton?

Basically what this means is that if you did not know she was posing for the cover, you do now. If you never heard of her (an impressive feat that has me jealous of you), you do now. If you have sympathy for this girl being exploited by the mass media, you fell for the ploy and if you buy anything she releases because you like her “wholesome image,” remember Brittney Spears.

The worst part of all of this is her father, Mr. Achy-Breaky Heart himself, is photographed right along side her in at least one photo: kind of hard to claim ignorance when you are posing along side her, don’t you think? Thank G-d he lost that mullet. And at least he is getting that money and fame he tried for with country and failed miserably; nothing like exploiting family for financial gain. Let’s sex up Suri Cruise next; Playboy needs a covergirl.

Everyone sing along:
Have you seen my kid
My half naked kid
Just forget the fact that she is underage
Yea, have you seen my kid
I got money that says you did
I'm so happy my naked kid is on the cover page


For the record I do not think of this photo as kiddie porn per say, but I must question the artistic nature of a half-naked picture of a 15 year old girl, famous or not. I mean, if not to stimulate then what function was this specific photo inteneded to do?

Friday, April 25, 2008

Thrilled it is Friday

‘Cause this is Friday
Friday alright!
We’re fighting every way yo
Against a week with 7 days yo
Yes this is Friday
Friday Alright!
This week is gonna end now
And it’s Friday
Friday
Hooorah!


I am so mixed about this upcoming weekend. I am thankful to be off from work, but am not totally psyched about being home without my PS3. I think my lack of a life is going to come home to roost this weekend. I may actually (hold on to your hats) have to leave my home and do something….outside. Oh my! Does the sun hurt?

I honestly don’t have that much to say today. The weekend is set and everyone has worked exactly as much as they wanted to with nobody pissed off at me. This is always a great way to start the weekend. Yes, my head is still killing me, but I will be home soon and so shall you be.

Have a great weekend.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

MY HEAD HURTS!!!!


I feel like one of these today:

The pressure in my head is squishing my eyes against their sockets and forcing my brain to ooze out of my ears, but it ain't oozing which is making me wonder if it is there today at all. I can't think or focus so there is a strong possibility that I left my house today and forgot my brain. It wouldn't be the first time after all.

Sometimes my brain hurts while my body feels fine, so my brain will stay in bed and send my body out to do whatever it is I do all day: I have not paid attention to my actions in some time. For all I know, I could still be the leader of that small village just outside of Eastern Bogota and am still worshipped as a minor G-d. It could happen somewhere else besides in my head!

Anyway, as you can probably tell, I am not in form today and will return tomorrow with what I hope will be a pain-free Friday...not for you, but for me. Reading my blog tomorrow will cause you just as much pain as it does every Friday.

PS- I forgot to include my all-time favorite on yesterday's list: Imaginary Lover by Atlanta Rhythm Section. How could I forget a love song written to masturbation? Is there anything more 70's?

Imaginary lovers
Never turn you down
When all the others turn you away
They're around
It's my private pleasure
Midnight fantasy
Someone to share my
Wildest dreams with me
Imaginary lover
You're mine anytime
Imaginary lover, oh yeah

When ordinary lovers
Don't feel what you feel
And real-life situations lose their thrill
Imagination's unreal
Imaginary lover, imaginary lover
You're mine anytime

Imaginary lovers never disagree
They always care
They're always there when you need
Satisfaction guaranteed
Imaginary lover, imaginary lover
You're mine all the time
My imaginary lover
You're mine anytime

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

They Said What?!

Today I want to do something a little bit different. I want you to try and remember some of the dirtiest lyrics you ever heard on the radio. The “on the radio” part is important. I want you to think about lyrics that made you say to yourself “how did they get that on the air”. Here are three examples I can think of:


Who the fuck are you from “Who Are You” by the Who

But she never lost her head, even while she was giving head from “Walk on the Wild Side” by Lou Reed

I made a pussy purr with the stroke of my hand from “Cat Scratch Fever” by Ted Nugent.

So my three readers, what can you come up with?

Monday, April 21, 2008

A "Kanrei" Original

A man goes to see a new doctor he overheard some people at work speaking fondly of.

The man says to the doctor "I was wondering if there is anything you can do to help me. Every time I look in a mirror, I become really depressed over how ugly I think I am."

The doctor says,"Well, I'm an optometrist, but I can tell you your eyes work fine."

Friday, April 18, 2008

Full Moon Friday

I am sitting here at my work computer, Diet Coke to my left and pretzel Goldfish to my right, and wondering just how evil tonight's "Full Moon Friday" is going to be to me. Yes, that's right, it is once again Friday and time for our weakly celebration of this ending week AKA "It's Friday!!!" (applause)

Ironically, even though I know the full moon is coming, and it has been screwing with me this week, I am in a rather good mood today. I think it has a lot to do with the huge number of patients we have this weekend which kind of secretly lets me know our drought is just about over.

Yes, the recession has hit the medical industry rather hard and the medical research industry even harder. Add to the recession those reports of how the FDA is overwhelmed and we really saw a drastic cut back in the number of studies we were doing, but all is getting better as of this weekend.

On a political note, the time has come for either Hillary or Obama to drop out of the race. The longer the two of them fight, the more divided the DNC will become and the harder those divisions will be to overcome. The fighting has gotten beyond ugly and is corroding the very core they will need if we ever want to get out of Iraq and save this nation. So I say this to the two DNC candidates:

It is time for the two of you to meet, come to an agreement you both can live with, and allow the party to come together. Your egos are the least important thing riding on this election, but I am thinking it is the most important aspect of it to you; both of you. Do you want to really help this country, or fullfill some sense of destiny you feel you are entitled to? If you really want to help us, then do the right thing and stop dividing the party because, if you cannot unify a party where people generally already agree, then how are you going to unite a country that generally doesn't?

Have a great weekend. I will be rocking out with my PS3 for that last weekend before it goes off to the doctor for G-d knows how long. I hope the full moon treats you well.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Working Free the Rust

Tick
My alertness takes a lick
Tock
Staring and cursing the clock
Yawn
Unfocused and feeling withdrawn
Drool
Half asleep and feeling the fool
Itch
My seat smacks my ass like a switch
Scratch
My internal clock and the wall clock don’t match
Squirm
I was not meant to sit long term
Bored
One hour left my favorite reward

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Um......yeah?

Some people call me the Wayward Lemming
Some call me the Kanrei of Shame
Some people call me Bradley
But I ignore them, cause that ain’t my name
Just stop short of the last three letters
And you will get it right, get it right
Cause my mother named me only Brad
Felt “ley” or “ford” would cause her fright

I’m a ranter
I’m a raver
I’m a point spread shaver
Not really, but I needed a rhyme
I’m a blogger
Not a logger
And I can’t play Frogger
But I still try all the time

People don’t blog about me baby
Say I’m spelling everything wrong (everything wrong)
But don’t worry baby no don’t worry
Cause no one sees a word I place on this blog

I’m a ranter
I’m a raver
I’m a point spread shaver
Not really, but I needed a rhyme
I’m a blogger
Not a logger
And I can’t play Frogger
But I still try all the time
WOOOOOOOOOOO
WOOOOO-HOOOOOOO!

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

An Addict without his Addiction

Why have I not updated this week? I am in mourning right now….mourning over my Playstation 3 that is ill right now and about to be sent off to the Sony doctor. Sounds petty I know, but it is more than my gaming system- it is my entertainment center; my downstairs internet access point; my Blu-Ray player; and source for communication with about half my friends.

They say it is going to take ten to fourteen business days for me to get it back once they receive it and it is going to take about ten to fourteen business days for me to get the box for me to send it to them, so I am looking at about twenty-eight business days of no Playstations 3. Remember, a business day does not include weekends and holidays, so we are really looking at around 33 days I am about to be in Siberia. I live in Florida and have no clothing suitable for Siberia. This sucks.

I went to the Playstation forums to try and see if there was anything I could do on my own to fix the problem, but was met with a round of "there is no problem with the Playstation" and "you are an Xbox fanboy trying to cause problems" and "go lie somewhere else." I am 36 years old and really have no interest in the Sony/ Microsoft game console war. I just want my system to work. Thank G-d the actual Sony people were more helpful than the forum fan boys.

I know, I know…if this is the worst thing to happen, be happy and I know it is no big deal in the grand scheme of things, but it is those minor speed bumps on the road of life that cause the annoyances. We tend to avoid those potholes, but these speed bumps just sneak up on you to throw you off your game. There should be an update, a real update tomorrow.

Friday, April 11, 2008

A Friday from Way Out



Got quite a bit of stuff to do today, so just a quick "HAPPY FRIDAY and HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND"

PS- I was so tempted to put some "Banana Splits" here to further torment VE, but this clip was just so much shorter and more fun, but mostly shorter.

UPDATE I just checked my email and my mother sent me this cartoon.


Did I take out an informative ad in my sleep or something?

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Don't Like the Subject, Wait a Moment and It Will Change

Today…I sit at my desk…bored I tell you….BORED! Most days I have a steady, but not overwhelming stream of work; some days I have too much work, not often, but some days; and then there are days like today, where I finished the bulk of my work by noon and I find myself sitting at my desk with ninety minutes still to go until freedom, sweet freedom finds me and liberates me from the confines of this desk and tiny, windowless office. (Wow, can you believe that actually was NOT a run-on sentence?)

Sure, I have my toys to look at, but they are not really “play with me” toys so much as plastic statues of cartoon figures. They do little to alleviate any boredom that might set in other than remind me of how much I love cartoons and how far from watching them I currently am. Besides, at 36 I really can’t afford to be caught playing with my toys in the office. They gossip about me enough without my giving them more fuel. Not bad gossip mind you, it is just that I am the only guy in my office and therefore am the “token Y chromosome” they get to beat up on instead of their husbands/boyfriends. On the plus side, the girls do forget I am here quite often and I get to hear all those wondrous things women say about themselves and men when they think no man is around. Let me assure the men out there- you are missing nothing and should be thankful you never hear these things.

Those clich├ęs of how men are gross and women are not are much exaggerated! I wish to G-d I could develop selective Alzheimer’s to forget some of the mental pictures they have blessed me with. The tales of various PMS dilemmas and sexual encounters are enough to cause nightmares for years to come and I like horror movies. The details they share in these stories also convinces me they claim to not like "those movies" more for the drama of the fight it causes than because they cannot stomach them. I am sorry, but one PMS story contains more graphic gore than 100 Friday the 13ths.

I am now less bored and have found something to do, so thanks for killing some time with me. Can you believe actual work has the nerve to interrupt this rant about how bored I am from not having enough work today? Gosh!

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

I Hope It Makes Sense

I tried to get back into school yesterday, I really did, but the incompetence of the university system that caused me to run screaming fifteen years ago is still very much alive, well, and still in complete control. No matter who you speak to and no matter what their title may be, I can guarantee you that any information you receive from that person, while it may be 100% correct at the time of their telling you, will become 100% wrong by the time you try to act upon it, no matter how fast you try to act. I am convinced the purpose of the university system is not so much to educate a person, but to prepare them for the endless and mind numbing world of bureaucracy they are about to enter into.

I am a CDO (or college drop-out) and have felt the sting of my lack of formal education, particularly since I began blogging and realized how few of the grammatical laws I actually remember. It bothers me greatly considering how many actual writers read this blog, and I decided it was time to go and re-learn and try to be an actual writer instead of a meager blogger. No offense to the bloggers out there, but our informal style of writing can really damage one’s style if it is the only way one tends to write. It works online, but would anyone really read a novel written in bloggese?

Back to the subject at hand (these tangents wouldn’t really work either as another example, but that is even more distracting at this moment), I really felt the desire to return to school and yesterday I took the day off work and tried my damnedest and I failed my damnedest. I am not sure if it is because it is summer and they are short on staff or if it is just another example of G-d’s sense of humor when it comes to my life, but they have made it harder to audit a class than it logically should ever be. I mean, if I am not taking the class for a grade, but simply for self-education AND I am willing to pay full price for the class as if I were taking it for a grade, then why do I need to take placement tests before signing up for said class? Especially considering I already took the class years ago which is why I have to audit it in the first place (seems you cannot retake a class you passed).

And even if I do have to take the placement tests, why did it take FOUR HOURS for someone to bother telling me that small, but very important detail?! Yes, four hours. You read that correctly. Well, four hours, fifteen windows of talking to various “can I help you” people, twice meeting with advisors, and then trying to sign up for the class before anyone said “we have a problem, you need placement testing first.” I left very fed up and am still upset about it today. A little back-story is needed once again as is par for the course in Kanrei Tales.

I dropped out of college in 1994 with 184 credit hours and no AA degree. I was the victim of a never-ending stream of various advisors saying to me “yes, you are ready to get your degree…..oh wait a minute. You forgot to take this class.” This happened for, let’s see, I started college in 1989, so that would mean five years, or ten straight semesters of this nonsense happening again and again. I got a “D” in a class that the grade was made up of only three tests. I got a “C” on all three tests, but, as the teacher said, “someone had to fail.” Last I checked, I was one credit shy of my AA degree, and that is a biology lab.

Why don’t I just take the lab and get my degree? I tried…four times tried and four times failed. A lab is rather difficult without the class attached to it you see. I cannot use my knowledge of the various animal groups to divide these three species unless I actually learn the various animal groups, but I can’t take biology because I took it in 1989 when there was no lab and got a B. They would not let me retake a class I got a B in.

Whew….I feel better now. I am not sure how much of that is grammatically correct (I tried to enroll, but couldn’t) so please excuse any errors you may see. I am not even sure how much of that makes sense, but it needed to come out. You can see that I really need a grammar refresher course. I also need a cigarette now, only I don’t smoke anymore…

Friday, April 04, 2008

Friggity-Fri-Diggity-Day

Well, what starts with a whimper, but ends with a bang? That’s right; it’s Friday!!! KHWL is proud to bring to you, once again, that weekly celebration of a week gone by. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s Friday and here is your host, Kanrei….

Thank you and thank you. I am Kanrei and I am proud to be back in the employ of KHWL although it does feel like I never fully left. I am happy to not have some pesky intern breaking into my home anymore looking for loose papers to post, but I must admit to enjoy the setting and deployment of the “Home Alone” themed traps I had set about for them. Tragic part of this whole thing is, since interns are unpaid, their hospital bills will not be covered by KHWL. Have I ever told you how good I am at trap construction?

Have a great weekend and I will leave you with this thought on the current political landscape:

Amboogalardization is simply an abstract neo-political aspect of the overall Wakachician commerce committee's by-laws and rules of engagement. Few other aspects of general giraffes would ever contemplate such a narrowly defined field of judgment. If I were to have to pick today, I would say we are all fairly evenly screwed. Lucky for us all I don’t…at least not today.

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

The Bitter Truth (or the Truth of Why I was Bitter)

OK, honesty time. I avoided the internet yesterday not because it was “April Fool’s Day” and I feared being fooled, but rather because it was “April Fool’s Day” and I got fooled first thing in the morning. I was ashamed and embarrassed because I shared this fool on me before I caught it and was therefore publicly fooled. I am thinking some back story would help you digest all of this.

I am addicted to a game called Rock Band. I think I have mentioned it before here and therefore will not explain it again, but I do need to rehash the DLC aspect of the game for this story to work. See, they release DLC or “Down Loaded Content” for this game weekly which consists of about three songs for $1.99 each, but rumors of full albums have been circulating since before the game was released.

Yesterday I read a story about how Axl Rose (of Guns N’ Roses fame) had decided that Rock Band was the future of the music industry and he would therefore release the new Guns N’ Roses album named “Chinese Democracy” as a DLC for Rock Band one week before the CD was to be released in stores. This made perfect sense to me considering that Rock Band has apparently sold more than 5 million songs as DLC since the game was released three months ago.

Happily, I took my happy cyber-ass over to the Rock Band Forums and saw that I was the first to have discovered this awesome news, so I eagerly posted a new thread to the forum about this great bit of information I had discovered, ready to be regaled a hero for breaking this exciting news and forgetting the date was April 1st. It took all of two minutes before somebody noticed the last track on the supposed song list for the album was a song called “April Fool’s Day.” SONOFABITCH! I got fooled first thing in the morning! Bah humbug. Publicly fooled on top of that.

At least the only people to see it are fellow gaming nerds unless I do something stupid like telling this tale on my blog….

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Happy Kanrei Day

Being the gullible person that I am (did you know that gullible is not in the dictionary), I am avoiding the Internet today. I hope all your jokes go over today and you don't fall prey to any yourself. Me? I will be hiding under my bed until the world stops trying to make me look more foolish than I make myself look on a daily basis. Until tomorrow...