Friday, March 28, 2008

Friday from the Gulag

Although Kanrei is still fired, the management has decided to allow him to post this week’s “It’s Friday” as an appeasement to our few remaining listeners. And now, Kanrei:

All the “ticks” and “tocks” have added up to yet another Friday that we can use to close the books on this week. This weekend will entail me staring out my sliding glass door at my newly laid patio that I cannot touch yet since the cement is not yet dry. It is teasing me since it looks so awesome, like a neighbor sunbathing in a bikini: you can look, but not touch and that makes looking all the more painful. I tend to keep my blinds closed so as not to tease myself too much.

Did I just compare a patio to a girl in a bikini? I need a date I think. Relax mom. Don’t get all “my son is ready to date again” happy just yet. Remember, this is a blog and many fleeting thoughts get caught here. That is probably just one of those stray ideas. If it sticks, then you can get excited.

So basically, have a great weekend and I will see you on Monday.

If this trend continues, expect mass firings of KHWL’s Board of Directors and a possible return of Kanrei. The employees of KHWL have their collective fingers crossed.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Kanrei Strikes Back

Hello and welcome to KHWL on the Blogger dial. The time is fifty-four minutes after the hour and Kanrei is still fired at this time. Even worse, it appears he reads this blog which is actually a shocking shock of shocking proportions (although we should be happy SOMEBODY reads this blog). Today, upon breaking into his home, we found a note. Since it was not addressed to us, we naturally assumed it was meant for us and therefore opened said note. In it we found these words, although we did not find them in this order.

Dear KHWL,
I am honored diagonally forward from the heat in appreciation of your constant need of my words. Falcon droppings contribute daily to the nature of my posts and I value my cracking readers greatly. I do miss them and would like to work the umbrella with you to renew a newt's contract. Until that time, however, I cannot allow you access to anything that makes even a little sense.
With burritos,

The F.B.I. Has analyzed the message for hidden meaning and were able to, at great taxpayer expense, come up with this rough translation of Kanrei's message.

Nayner-nayner/boo-boo/ I hid my writings from the likes of you

We, at KHWL, are momentarily at a loss of what actions to pursue next; we were outsmarted by a Lemming.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Kan Kanrei get Kanned?

So “where the fuck is Kanrei” seems to be a popular question right about now. When we last saw Kanrei, he was fired from KHWL for his repeated failed attempts at catching a North American Mojo on film. It was not his lowest moment however. His lowest moment was that time the press caught him in an inflatable hot tub with three gazelles and a llama until this very moment where that hot tub incident suddenly became public knowledge on a blog his mother reads. That would make this is newest lowest moment and he is very happy to have shared it with you.

Getting back to the subject at hand, Kanrei has been busy writing during his absence and today, while he was a work, we broke into his humble abode and stole some of his most recent writings because, let's be honest, Kanrei made our ratings. KHWL is just not KHWL without Kanrei; then it's just HWL.

And now, without further rambling, is Kanrei's latest rant:

So there I am, sitting and thinking about nothing really except for the fact that I am really in the mood to write without having anything of any particular importance to say. I have my opinions sure, but they are not really formed in such a way that I am comfortable sharing them on the internet. Saying stupid things embarrasses you for the moment, but an online humiliating diatribe can sneak up and scar you for life.

I can only imagine my wanting to run for, let's just say, President of the Unknown Universe (or PUU as I would want to be called) and then, just as I am about to win the election and proclaim my dominance over all unknown living species, some snoopy reporter ( not a beagle) comes up and asks about some KHWL column I threw together while in the midst of a drug fuel boredom killing rant. How could I happily explain away my desire to fornicate with Smurfette exactly to a discriminate voting populace?

“She is more than twice your age and a lot less than half your height” they would rightly scream. Then the questions would just starting running freely over my entire campaign.

“Do you favor striped toothpaste or are you more of a solid color kind of guy?”

“We don't care about boxers or briefs, but what color do you wear and is that to hide any skid marks?”

These are the questions only a person running for office is qualified to answer which is lucky since these are also the questions only a person running for office would have to answer. We don't care for the answer so much as how they answer it. They can “blah blah blah” till their hearts are content, but if they “blah, blah, blah” angerly then we know we got 'em.

"Smurfette is a lovely person and an asset to my campaign," I would start I think, "and I can assure you that there was nothing inappropriate occurring between me and 'Tiny Blue Lips.' I was always a gentleman and she was very well compensated for anything that may have happened, not that anything did actually happen.”

Doesn't the voting populace realize that, if I must stop to constantly answer these questions, then I cannot fully plan their future? We mean “yeah!” Kanrei may have been fired, but they cannot stop us from breaking into his home everyday while he is at work and stealing his latest ramble until management sees the error of their way. Let management know that you are demanding Kanrei be De-Kanned!

The Offical "Where the F*ck is Kanrei This Time" Update

John Lennon once sang “life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.” It amazes me how often life gets in the way of life. Here I am trying to do the simple task of reading and commenting on blogs when all of the sudden my life just will not relent. It is Tuesday already and I have yet to visit a single one of my blog-buddies this week. I want to. I need to. I wish for nothing more than to do that very thing, but my life just will not let me. Every time I think I’m out, they drag me back in.

My backyard is going to be concreted and stamped next week, but today is the day they decided to come and clean out my backyard. I was going to visit blogs at lunch today, but instead I have to run home and make sure they know what to remove and what not to. I am so sorry and I hope it will not take that long so there is still a better than decent chance I will get to not only read your blogs today, but also maybe possibly really update my own. Cross your fingers.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Catholic for a Day

Tomorrow, I am Catholic. The office is closed for "Good Friday" and therefore I am Catholic by default. As such, let me wish everyone a very happy Easter and I hope you spend it with those you love and that they actually love you back in return. There will be no "It's Friday" this week, unless you happen to count this as that. Personally, I am tagging this one as "Friday," so you might as well.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Now Looking for Mojo and a Title

I have no excuse for today’s earworm. I have not heard the song in a decade and have not even heard the artist who did the song in years. Yes, I live in Miami, but that does not mean that I have to like this song, does it?

Come on
Shake your body baby
Do that Conga
I know you can’t control yourself any longa
Feel the rhythm of the music getting stronger
Don’t you fight it till you try it
Do that conga beat

How I hope it is in your head now.

PS- I love this photo that is in the new right now. It appears that we invaded Iraq with the express and sole purpose of switching a statue. Mission accomplished I suppose. It only took 5 years, a nation's economy, and about 4000 American soldier's lives. What a bargin!

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Kanrei as a Reporter: Take Two

When we last left Kanrei...
He also is telling me that my failure to do this right has jeopardized KHWL's license now and that I, if I hope to keep my job as a journalist for this station, should not ever let the audience know about this potential trouble with the FCC.

Until next time, this is Kanrei and yo...(static)

...And now with Kanrei...

Yea...and I'm standing out here like an idiot in the bloody rain....what? No, not "bloody rain" as in raining blood you idiot! I mean "bloody rain" as in fucking rain, but I did not want to say "fucking" so I used "bloody" instead. Yes, exactly. So anyway, my bloody producer has thus far failed to "produce" an umbrella to say nothing of rain gear of some description and believe me when I say I am taking those sick days whether I get sick or not! Oh, we're on?

We must interrupt this report once again because we were trying to give this guy a second chance. I am not sure what we were thinking exactly and we, the management apologize for this vicious display of grammatical terrorism. We currently have assembled the best lawyers money can buy to ensure the most humane method for our top notch firing squad to legally take care of this inept reporter that we secretly suspect is the offspring of other inbreds. His DNA only had one helix for G-d's sake!

But I digress, we will return to the air (once again) shortly.

Monday, March 17, 2008

The Home for Wayward Lemming's Wild Kingdom-Type Places and Other Stuff We Haven't Thought of Yet.

Well, hello there. I didn't hear you come in, but I am glad you came just the same. My name is Kanrei and I would like to welcome you to the "Home for Wayward Lemming's Wild Kingdom-Type Places and Other Stuff We Haven't Thought of Yet." To think that you are privy to the opening episode of this educational and community-need serving requirement of KHWL's broadcasting license and we do so hope that the FCC does take note of this commercial-free educational space we have devoted to the children. We, at KHWL, always think of the children first.

Today, on "Home for Wayward Lemming's Wild Kingdom-Type Places and Other Stuff We Haven't Thought of Yet" we continue our hunt for the North American Mojo. This poor creature was almost hunted to extinction during the late 1960's when it was rumored that having "Mojo" could get one laid at a discotheque. It turns out, after years of scientific study and very costly research that it was actually the drugs getting people laid and not the Mojo.

Later, Hunter S. Thompson experimented with the Mojo briefly before finding and embracing the Gonzo, but that did not stop other writers from discovering this harmless and defenseless creature. The popular rumor that has never EVER been told to anyone by anyone is that Ken Kesey was on at least three different species of Mojo while writing "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest," but that is only a rumor first told to me by me, so the source might have misled me.

My producer is telling me that this "voice-over narration" was supposed to be done in the studio rather than in the actual woods where the Mojo might be. He seems to think the "loud, obnoxious, and generally unpleasant nature" of my voice has scared off any Mojo that may have been in the area. He also is telling me that my failure to do this right has jeopardized KHWL's license now and that I, if I hope to keep my job as a journalist for this station, should not ever let the audience know about this potential trouble with the FCC.

Until next time, this is Kanrei and yo...(static)


The Mojo Hunt Continues

Things that do not work on a blog:

Stand up Comedy
Spelling Bees
Eating Contests
Hand Puppets
The Unemployed
Subtle Sarcasm
Overt Sarcasm
Shadow Puppets
Winks and Nods
Polite Political Discourse
Unwritten Thoughts

Friday, March 14, 2008

My Mojo-Free Friday

This has been an uncreative week for me. I am used to having a few uncreative days per week, but never a full seven straight uncreative days before. I wonder if my mojo has finally up and died or something; maybe it went south for the winter…no. You can’t get much more south than where I am right now and remain in America and I know for a fact that my mojo has no passport, so it is still here somewhere. I miss my mojo.

Well, it is Friday and I have no mojo, so happy weekend. I will be mojo shopping tomorrow and I hope to find a good one. I miss my mojo.

Friday, March 07, 2008

Like An Hourglass of Sand, So Are the Fridays of Their Lives

If your week is going anything like my week has gone, then you too are currently finding yourself at Friday as well. Weird how this always seems to happen after a Thursday, huh?

I wonder if there is a conspiracy between Thursday and Friday to keep Wednesday and Saturday apart. I saw them making eyes at each other during the last Calendar party and we all know how close Wednesday and Thursday used to be, so it is a possibility. That and I would really not put anything past Sunday and its long dormant desire to get closer to Tuesday; Wednesday’s long time secret admirer.

This whole “days of the week” situation makes me feel personally bad for Monday to be perfectly honest. Who was the genius who decided to only have seven days every week after all? That is an odd number which guarantees that one day will be left dateless at the end of every week. An eighth day could and possibly would eliminate the need for those annoying little calendar fixes like “leap year” and the ever hated “Spring forward” as well as making Monday a tad bit less bitter.

Just some food for thought as you go off into your weekend. Me? I will be jamming out on “Rock Band” for my Playstation 3 and the six Grateful Dead songs that came out this week for it.

Party on Wayne! Party on Garth! Happy Weekend All!

PS- The picture is a picture of a picture. Nothing deeper than that. I just love the endless loop of it all.

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

Charlie and DeOgie

The man was in a deep sleep when the phone rang. In all probability, he was in a deep sleep when he answered the phone and, while we are being completely honest, was probably in that same deep sleep during the entire length of the phone call. We can only hope that the nature of the call was not "life or death" since we will never know who called or why, but the call did disrupt his sleep enough to remind his bladder that it was a good time for it to do it's thing.

The tragic part of a bladder wake up call is that the person waking never intends to remain awake, but the pets that are sharing the bed never seem to grasp that concept. To them, an awake person is an awake person: the marathon nap is the domain of the domesticated and the domesticated onl....

We interrupt this riveting story with an important news break. With this breaking story, here is KHWL's own Kanrei:

Thank you. It seems the Lemming Strike is over. After who knows how long, the Lemmings have finally reached a compromise with, well, we were never really sure who exactly the lemmings were striking against, but it seems they reached a compromise with whomever it was and air mattresses will now be placed at the bottom of most cliffs.

While on the surface this seems like a time for celebration in the lemming community, it is actually, in reality, a time of great loss. You see, the lemmings were very eager to return to work and, for a lemming, "work" consists of jumping of cliffs. Once the strike was declared over, a group of three hundred lemmings all ran for the nearest cliff and hurled themselves off. The looks of delight on their faces were short lived, as were the lemmings, as the air mattresses had yet to be filled with air.

Lady and gentleman, and VE; I can promise you that this reporter will be waking up in the middle of the night for weeks to come with the sound of one gigantic "squish" ringing in my ears. Who would have thought that three hundred lemmings would all hit the ground at exactly the same time. It was just....

Any who, now back to our story.

...and it is all due to you , my friend," the powerful Manolos exclaimed as he bowed before the man and his faithful dog, the true hero of it all.

As the man turned to return home, he hoped it was not just a dream.

"Don't worry Charlie," the dog reassured him, "that would be too cliche for this author."

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Threatened By the L-rd?

I get junk emails quite often at work. I tend to give my work email address out more often than my home address. Something about "Brad@blah-blah-blah" is so much simpler than saying ", kanrei. K-a-n-r-e-i. Yes, Kanrei. It's Japanese. No, I am not Japanese. Doesn't matter. Yes, I have used it for years. It doesn't matter." Regardless, today I got sent this:

The president of Argentina received this picture and called it junk mail, 8 days later his son died. A man received this & immediately sent out copies... his surprise was winning the lottery. Alberto Martinez received this picture, gave it to his secretary to make copies but they forgot to distribute; she lost her job & he lost his family. This picture is miraculous & sacred. Send to 10 people.

First- Did I just get threatened by the L-rd? Send this picture to ten of your friends or the dog gets it?

Second- Is G-d really this vain? I mean that is not even that great of a photo really. It is blurry and kind of depressing.

Third- If it is "miraculous and sacred," why did Outlook label it [SPAM]?

I guess I fulfilled my obligation to pass it along to ten people assuming six extra people wander here by mistake. Traffic always picks up when schools kids are doing reports on Lemmings which happens more often than I would have thought.

Remember to look busy, G-d is watching.

What the Hell? I just got sent this "joke" as well.

"Clocks in Heaven"

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks, Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "Whose clock is that?"

"That's Billy Graham's. The hands have never moved, indicating that he never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man, "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire Life."

"Where's Hillary Clinton 's clock?" asked the man.

"Hillary's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

Is today "convert a Jew" day or something? Is there a prize for who converts the most within a 24 hour period?

Sunday, March 02, 2008

VH-1's Celebrity Unglued

I was flipping through channels last night and I came across MTV and noticed that "Unplugged" was about to come on. This lead to three separate, but related thoughts.

1. Wow, "Unplugged" is still on!
2. Wow, MTV is showing a music show.
3. It is time for that eye exam, because that did not say "MTV Unglued."

Yes, I inadvertently created what I believe is going to be the next Celeb-reality show for MTV/VH-1 productions: Unglued. It follows a natural progression from "The Surreal Life," to "The Surreal Life Fame Games," to the Tom Sizemore show, to "I Love New York," to "Celebrity Rehab"... not that I watch any of those shows or anything like that...

Right now all these celebrities are getting knocked up, drunk, arrested, drugged, rehabbed, and the only ones profiting from it are TMZ and other paparazzi hives. This show would give these fame obessed celebrites the chance to have their freak outs, have it still be public, yet can also make a buck or two at it. Britney needs the cash I bet. She could possibly even get VH-1 to underwrite her care.

Why am I typing this stuff on my blog right now? This is a show idea and I am giving it away for free. Screw that! Viacom, call me.