Thursday, January 31, 2008

I Can't Keep Up

These are hard days for a political/ pop culture blogger. If I had focused on either politics or on pop culture exclusively I would have a much easier time absorbing, digesting, and then regurgitating the news as of late, but I probably would also have lost interest in blogging long before now. “A double edged sword” I suppose is the term for this dilemma I find myself in.

To simplify my situation so that I am not doing to you what the worlds of pop culture and politics are doing to me: there is simply too much news hemorrhaging from these two respective worlds and I cannot pick what to write about. Florida has its primary and Edwards drops out of the race for the Democratic nomination, but then Rudy drops out of the Republican race, then Britney gets hauled off to the hospital for the insane on a “5150” which I can only assume is like a Baker act, but am not positive.

To be honest, I am giving Britney a pass here on this blog and have been for quite a while. I will happily pick on the willingly stupid, the voluntarily empty-headed, the vain, the shallow, the attention whores, the famous, and the elected because they have done all they can to place themselves happily in the crosshairs of my sarcasm. What I cannot do in good faith is pick on the mentally disabled or the honestly less intelligent or those who did not seek their fame. Britney falls under the first two of those requirements for a pass.

I honestly feel the girl is no where near mentally equipped to handle the day to day aspects of normal life. The photo I saw of her sitting partially fetal on a curb, cradling her dog and crying was a photo of a woman who reality lost long ago and is starting to slowly realize this. What she needs is privacy.

The pass for Britney continues here at KHWL. Politics I will attack once they slow down enough for me to focus on something.

Monday, January 28, 2008

You Know What They Say...

They say “laughter is the best medicine”… but not if they are laughing at you.

They say “there is an exception to every rule”… but not to that rule.

They say “there are only two things guaranteed in life: death and taxes”… but that is three things: the guarantee of death; the guarantee of taxes, and the guarantee of nothing else.

They say “don’t be a smart ass”…but then also decry the dumb ass.

They say “don’t be fresh”….but then also punish the spoiled.

Personally, I don’t think they have the slightest clue what the Hell they are saying and only a fool would listen to them.

As Obi Won Kenobi once said- "who is more foolish: the fool or the fool who follows?"

Friday, January 25, 2008

Phriday (And You Thought I Ran Out of Ways to Spell It)

This is KHWL on the Blogger dial. The time is thirty-nine minutes after the hour and you are listening to “It’s Friday!”

“Oh geez…is he still doing that “KHWL” crap?”

Yes he is and he will not stop. You cannot make him stop, although you should not try in the off chance that you actually could, in fact, make him stop. Making him stop now would only cause him to find something else, possibly something even more annoying.

“Can there be anything more annoying than the “KHWL” crap he has been doing for far too long now?”

Yes. He could begin the First South/South-Eastern Lemming Church of Non-Traditional Groovyism and Abstract Neo-Political Super Manifestations, Inc and start performing sermons on how no matter what you do and no matter how hard you try, Sabrina, the Buddhist Cow-G-d in the Moon will still rise tomorrow.

I could reveal the results of my extensive year-long study into the number of geese necessary to lift a 2 ton whale into the stratosphere, but then I fear everyone will try it and the horizon will be whales as far as the eye can see.

I could talk to you about my future plans for Europe, and France in particular, but then I would have to kill you.

I think it is better to stick with KHWL on the Blogger dial and let’s just celebrate Friday the traditional way.

Happy Weekend.

PS- I have no rant ideas for this Sunday's rant. If you have any, please send them in.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

It Could Be Worse

If you think you are having a bad day, just repeat to yourself “I could be Jason Green. I could be Jason Green.” I guarantee you that he would trade any day you are having today for the day he had on Tuesday. Who is Jason Green?

Well, he is a man who lives in Australia and no, that is not the reason for his having a bad day. It is not even that, while collecting crocodile eggs for a Croc-Farm he works for, he was attacked by a crocodile. No, the reason he is having a bad day is because, while being rescued from the attack by the crocodile he was shot in his right arm by his friend/ savior. He will live although there is no word if the same can be said of the crocodile. Story is here.

I only hope (I know it is a morbid hope) that the crocodile was attacking his right arm at the time. If not, then this poor guy's day is even worse. What do you complain about first: the pain from the croc-bite on your left arm or the gunshot wound on your right?

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

WTF? Heath Ledger Dead?!

Heath Ledger is dead. The man was 28 years old. The cause of death is unknown as of this posting, but his body was found with sleeping and anti-anxiety pills. An overdose is probable and suicide possible, but unlikely. This is a loss. R.I.P. Heath.

Two For Two

She is on a roll. Another from mom.

The Hill-Billy

I am not sure who I support yet, but funny is funny. Mom is all behind Obama. I have not heard enough from anyone yet to decide. I know what I don't like, but that is for another post, another day.

Monday, January 21, 2008

Short & Simple: The Perfect Post

My mom sent me this to work today. I don't think I have to add anything to it.

Electile Dysfunction : the inability to become aroused over any of the choices for president put forth by either party in the 2008 election year.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

So I Was Wrong, But I Learn

I went to my parents' house tonight for dinner and got into a fight with my mom. So intense was this fight that I did not eat my dinner. So Jewish is my mother that, while in the middle of the fight, she still took my serving and placed it in a container for me to take home and have later. So stupid and pointless was the fight that, for all the screaming and yelling, I cannot now tell you exactly what started it or what it was about. I do know the only accurate way to phrase the evening's events is to say “I got into a fight with my mother” and not “my mother and I fought.” It did start with me. Of that, I am positive.

Yes, F-bombs were dropped on both sides, but mostly by me. I tend to use profanity quite a bit when mad. It is not that “profanity is the sign of a weak mind” in my opinion, but rather there are certain feelings that only those words can convey. I generally do not curse very often in real life any more, so when those words flow freely, it means I am quite upset and emotional.

One thing my mom said to me has stuck with me. She said I had no sense of humor. Could she be right? I am a rather funny person for the most part, so I always assumed I did have a sense of humor and, more than that, a good one. I can usually make people laugh at will and I have been told I tell great stories. That would seem like I had a sense of humor.

“You are funny when it is you telling the joke. You cannot see the humor when it is directed towards you.”

It got me thinking: why am I funny? I am not asking this to “toot my own horn” or to brag. I don't find myself all that funny to be honest, but that could be due to my already know the endings to most of my stories. I say I am funny based on reactions I have always got from other people. Some even asking me where I perform usually, but why am I funny? Why do I have this need to make people laugh if it is true and I have no sense of humor?

It was on my drive home from my parents' house, after the “I'm sorry” and the hugs, that I remembered something I told someone in fifth grade I think it was. I said something to the effect of “they are going to laugh at me anyway, so at least I can control what it is they laugh at.” So I was funny. My quick wit came about as a self defense mechanism. I learned the quickest way to stop kids from making fun of you is to make fun of yourself better than they could. Think of the bar scene from “Roxanne” with Steve Martin (a big influence).

Here is the scene.

So anyway, my point is that my mom is right. The only thing worse than a person with no sense of humor is a person without one who doesn't know it. Now I know it. I could have worse self defenses, like hitting or something, but being funny does not mean you have a sense of humor. I really need to work on it. I know I used to have one.

Basically, I am sorry mom.

Pet Peeves

Do they sell peeve treats at Petsmart?

Can you take a peeve to a veterinarian if it becomes too annoying?

Can you house train a peeve?

Can an old peeve learn new tricks?

Are pet peeves cute?

If a peeve annoys you, why keep it as a pet?

Is it wrong for me to move in on VE’s nonsense while he is away from a computer until Monday?

Would infringing on his nonsense be a possible peeve he keeps as a pet?

Would that mean I am not only infringing on his nonsensical realm, but also now am actively trying to steal his pet peeve?

Would a person be upset if their pet peeve were to be taken by another? Like, can stealing another’s pet peeve be their pet peeve?

Know one of my pet peeves? Posts that are nothing but silly questions; kind of like this one...

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

But What About the Olives?

Sometimes I find myself in the mood to blog without really having anything particularly interesting to say. Well, using “sometimes” is kind of an indirect lie since it implies that most times I do have something interesting to say. Trust me; I have nothing interesting to say. I know this because I have a certain insight into my own mind; I tend to hear not only all the things I say out loud, but also all those “private” thoughts that should not be heard by anyone ever, including me.

In fact, I am probably the last person who should be hearing any of those not meant to be heard thoughts considering how deeply and thoroughly I tend to overanalyze most things. I can take a rather benign thought and turn it into the most vicious of slams while taking an honest slam and filing it under “complement.”

I wonder what it means when you are so dense you can’t even pick up on insults coming from yourself while at the same time being so vain that you take other insults as compliments to your character.

“Wow that was two paragraphs of total and complete crap. I should sue you to get those moments of my life back.”

If you think that was pointless, wait until you read this paragraph. You see, this one exists just so that the last one you read is not the last thing you read here. Of course, this assumes that you did not quit reading this nonsensical nonsense two paragraphs ago.

If you are still reading, does that make you a masochist? Does that infer I am a sadist for writing this stuff? Do you think these last two paragraphs should actually be three or more or maybe even one large paragraph? Don’t you wish I was ranting about politics right about now instead?

Monday, January 14, 2008

Flesh Colored Band Aids Suck!

No, this is not a rant against the fine people at the Band-Aid company and no, I am not complaining about the fact that the so called “flesh” color excludes most minorities from the benefit of an invisible medicated adhesive. I am not that shallow nor am I so obsessed with politics that I must see conspiracy everywhere….OK, I am that shallow and that obsessed, but that still is not the reason for my statement that “flesh colored Band-Aids suck!” I made that statement because no one at work has noticed I have a huge Band-Aid on my right hand today thus negating any chance I may have at sympathy.

Mom, skip this paragraph….seriously. Stop reading now Mom and just move on to the next one because here is the answer to “why do you have a huge Band-Aid on your right hand today Kanrei?” I burned the ever loving shit out of my hand on Friday and I did it the exact same way I have done it every other time- the top of my toaster oven is just a little lower than I guesstimated it to be. I got myself really good this time too. I know this should be a new paragraph, but my mom is looking for the divide and I am about to type more words she doesn’t want to read. See, the burn was actually really cool as it happened. My hand jumped back from the still red hot eye before I even knew I had placed my hand in the toaster oven. As I pulled my hand back I could actually see the flesh burning away and a small flame on my skin. It looked like that map of the Ponderosa from the beginning to Bonanza if you ever watched that show. I even had the theme in my head for a split second before I fully realized it was my flesh burning and not a map.

OK Mom, it is safe to read now. Do not peak above.

So here I am at work today with this huge Band-Aid on my hand and not one person has asked what happened. No one wonders about my injury because my flesh ironically is the same color as the flesh colored Band-Aid and no one at work has noticed. This sucks! I demand colored Band-Aids! Maybe even florescent or LED Band-Aids or an Ipod Band-Aid would rock, no pun intended. Some flashing, screaming, alerting medicated adhesive strip that would attract tons of sympathy because what good is injuring yourself if no one notices?

Friday, January 11, 2008

Friday Anyone?

You are tuned into KHWL and the time is five minutes after the hour on this rather hot, yet not very humid Friday here in South Florida and that can only mean one thing: It’s Friday!!!!

Due to the multiple heavy-themed rants I have subjected you to this week, today we will instead celebrate Friday the way Friday should be celebrated.

Happy Weekend

Monday, January 07, 2008

Mommy To the Rescue!!!

My mother found the story and emailed it to me. Once again she comes to save the day. Yay mommy!
So now, without further hesitation, the rant.

Pope Benedict XVI has been a weird pope in my humble and non-Catholic opinion. I am stressing the non-Catholic place that this opinion originates from because it really is none of my concern what this Pope or any Pope for that matter says, but considering how outreaching his predecessor was I must admit to finding his behavior puzzling and I did admire Pope John Paul quite a bit.

We all remember that little problem the Church had a few years ago with frisky priests and little boys in robes, right? Well. the Pope, to his credit, has finally acknowledged the depth of this problem and has, in his infallible wisdom, come up with the best way to solve the problem-prayer: twenty-four hours of continuous prayer. If your church cannot handle the task alone, the burden can be shared among various churches within a parish. He is asking "that every parish or institution should designate a person or group each day to conduct continuous prayers for the Church to rid itself of the scandal of sexual abuse by clergy."

The part that made me laugh uncontrollably? Here:

However, Cardinal Bernard Law, who was Archbishop of Boston when the scandal broke, was transferred to a post in Rome and remains a respected figure – despite accusations that he did not take strong enough action in dealing with abuse in his diocese.

Notice they do not wish to rid themselves of the clergy that is doing the abuse, just the scandal. Some things are just best left unspoken between a boy and his priest I assume. If Pope Benedict were really serious about clearing the Church of the Predator Priests then perhaps removing Cardinal Bernard Law, the man who allowed so much abuse to go on and on and on, from office instead of insulating him in Rome, would show the world he means to end the abuse and not just the scandal. Perhaps that he even means to protect the children more than he means to protect the Church, or am I just being silly?

I think this is the same guy who said something along the lines that global warming is a myth because only G-d can alter the weather. Yeah....

I am not anti-religion or anti-Christian or even anti-Catholic. Faith to me is, as John Lennon once sang, “whatever gets you through the night.” None of us will ever know what is right and what is wrong about any faith until that moment when we can no longer share that information with anyone else. Until that time, we are all just guessing and hoping that there is anything other than nothing.

The only time I do have an issue with another's faith is when that faith harms other people. Terrorism, mass suicides, human sacrifice, financial scams, political manipulation, abusing the elderly, abusing children, bus bombings, church bombings, abortion clinic bombings- these are all actions that are blamed on faith, but are caused by pride: pride that my faith is better than your faith; pride that my faith is right and you are a fool for not believing; pride that my actions, no matter what they are, will be forgiven because I claim they were done for G-d.

My rants get discombobulated when I get emotional about the subject. I hope I phrased things correctly and did not offend anyone. I don't mean to belittle the Pope, I just feel that it is irresponsible of anyone to ask for prayer by others when actions by themselves would do far more good.

S.O.S: Lost Rant Story Source

I have this major problem and that is that I have the need to prove myself constantly. I just cannot write about something unless I can also include a link to the subject I am ranting and raving about. I feel that it shows me to be unbiased or, at the very least, secure enough in my opinions that I voluntarily provide links to contrary points of view or the sources for mine. The down side of this is that I often lose the original link while doing my research and therefore cannot post my rant. This is what happened today and why there was no rant last night.

I found a story about the Pope and his newest plan to cut down on the pedophilia problem that has plagued the Catholic Church as of late. His plan, when I read it, actually caused me to laugh out loud with tears and that is no exaggeration, but, upon working to verify the story I seemed to have lost it and cannot find it again. What do I do now?

Do I post my rant without any sort of verification and hope you trust my admittedly bad memory that I got the details right or do I let a gift from G-d like this slip away and use it as a lesson to bookmark things more often? I think moving on and letting this sting is the only way I will ever learn and therefore will only tell you the gist of it and leave my jokes and comments out. Who knows, maybe one of you can find the story and, I hope, can email me the link so I can do the story justice. It really was that good. My email is if you find it.

The story- to help combat the rise in child molestation around the area of the Catholic church, the Pope has commanded all churches to pray for an end: nothing more and plenty less.

Please find the story for me. I am dying to make my snide comments and really, really want the source. I almost compared Billy Joel to Bob Dylan last night instead I was so desperate for a rant.

Thank you for your support.

Friday, January 04, 2008

It's a "Hucka-Bama" Friday and We Are So Possibly Screwed

You are listening to KHWL on the Blogger dial. The time is fifty-five minutes after the hour and it is damn cold outside today, but warmer than yesterday. Quick question for my Northern friends out there: how do you sit on the toilet when it is 40-something degrees? Porcelain appears to be a great conductor of cold and, being a Floridiot, I never realized just how freaking cold a toilet seat can be. My sympathies go out to all the female lemmings out there during this season.

And now time for “Its Friday.”

Why is Iowa screwing with me? I know I am fairly good at political analysis, but I was only joking when I said:

G-d help us if we must choose between Obama and Huckabee for the Presidency; it will be the battle of the stupid names. Honestly, does President Obama sound any less like a SNL skit character’s name than President Huckabee?

I honestly did not expect Iowa to do the stupid thing and actually support the “Stupid Name Duo” for office. It only goes to prove that long standing cliché about states with more vowels than consonants.

Huckabee is going to probably be the Republican candidate for President because of these results. With the exception of 1988 when Dole beat Bush and 1980 when Bush beat Reagan, the Republicans seem to go with the Iowa caucus winner.

The Democrats and their actual commitment to Obama is another story however. In the years 1972, 1976, 1988, and 1992 the winner of the Democrat’s caucus did not move on to win the party's nomination. In 1980 and 1996 the only reason the person did move on was because they were already in the White House and only in 1996 did the sitting President run unopposed. Also, only the 1996 candidate won re-election. Gee, I am so happy my state was kicked out of the nomination process by the DNC so they could protect a legacy like that.

Obama’s results this year have him beating Edwards 38%-30%. In 2004, Kerry beat Edwards by a similar number (38%-32%) and we all saw exactly how much support Kerry really had.

So, what is my point? This was all pointless and means nothing at all to anyone and that is coming from a self-admitted political junkie. Obama and Huck Finn… I mean Hucklebee, I mean Huckabee can raise a few more dollars than everyone else and we will be no longer hearing much from Dennis Kucinich who got a whopping 0% and “Mr. 9/11” should fade off into Memorex as he only received 4%, but other than that what was the point really?

Sorry for the political rant on a Friday. I realize that Sundays are the designated ranting days, but I missed last Sunday and there was a (kind of, sort of, in a way) major political event yesterday. I still owe you a “Its Friday”, don’t I?

You are listening to KHWL and the time is seventeen minutes after the hour. The temperature outside is: freaking cold.

Have a great weekend.

PS- All Iowa Caucus Statistics are from Wikipedia so they could be very incorrect in the long run of reality.

PPS- My mother has volunteered to fill the void left by CourtTV. She is a steady reader of USWeekly, OK, and a few others and said she would be more than happy to keep me up to date. Thanks mom.

Thursday, January 03, 2008

Obligatory Iowa Caucus Themed Post -OR- Excuse Me While I Rant A While

I live in Florida and therefore I am not allowed to express my opinion on the subject of the nomination for President of the United States. Most of the states are allowed to express their opinions, but Florida and Michigan have been outcast from the DNC for daring to challenge Iowa’s standing as the first caucus in the country. It seems stupid to me personally for a party that is trying to gain power to disenfranchise an entire battleground state by ignoring their desires, but so be it.

We all knew the DNC had no real want to make things better when they nominated Kerry back in 2004, but still we hoped. In 2006 we gave them the Congress. I say “gave” because they did nothing to earn it aside from remaining quiet and letting the RNC garner most of the nation’s ill will. We gave it to them hoping that they would gain a backbone and stand up for what we, as a nation demanded, but the war continues and the funding for it keeps growing and pet projects keep getting funded and the economy keeps sinking right along with the hopes and dreams of tomorrow. I pass five houses for sale on my way to work and it only takes me six minutes to get from home to here.

So, who are the leaders right now? Obama? Edwards? Clinton? McCain? Romney? Huckabee? G-d help us if we must choose between Obama and Huckabee for the Presidency; it will be the battle of the stupid names. Honestly, does President Obama sound any less like a SNL skit character’s name than President Huckabee? At least Clinton, Edwards, and McCain have Presidential sounding names.

Now let’s look at the central themes to their campaigns and see what they are really saying:

Edwards- I am giving you a second chance to make up for 2004, but I am not offering anything that you did not already reject.

Clinton- I screwed a president and got elected to the Senate because of my last name. Oh, and I am a woman.

Obama- I have no real experience, but I am black. Not supporting me means you are a racist.

Romney- I have no real experience and I am white, but I am a Mormon. Not supporting me means you are a bigot.

Huckabee- I have no successful experience, but I am a Christian and so are you so there should be nothing more to my campaign then that. Oh, and I am not a Mormon. Not supporting me means you support Satan, the terrorists, and the Latter Day Saints.

Giuliani- 9/11, ‘nuff said.

McCain- You liked me in 2000. Remember that?

Thompson- I am an actor and you liked Reagan.

Please excuse my fragmented and rambling rant today, but, as I said in the beginning, I am a Floridian and am not allowed to express my desires for the nomination. That and my fact checker is still on strike.

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

Good-Bye CourtTV, Hello Canada Dry

2007 shall forever be remembered as “the year of loss” and no loss is greater to the global community than the departure of CourtTV.

One would have thought with a name like CourtTV we would have learned more about the inner workings of our judical system, but alas, you took the high road to profitability and gave us everything from the juicy droppings from the Juice’s myriad of legal hassles to the spectacle of the Spector trial and everything in between. With all these celebrities out of control, who will we turn to for gossip and moral grandstanding?

Who will ignore Supreme Court rulings and Congressional investigations to tell me all about Paris’ blood-alcohol level? Who will blindly proclaim a celebrity’s guilt based on public opinion polls? You gave hope to millions of illiterate National Enquirer fans that they too can know about Paris, LiLo, and the Spears kids without the hassle of actual literacy. You will be missed CourtTV. How would I have known who Nancy Glass was without you?

Fear not, I will do my best to carry on your work, but I honestly don’t know how my blog can survive without your constant source of things for me to ridicule. I just don’t think TruTV will feed my desire for things to mock. At least you have left me We will see I guess.

R.I.P. CourtTV.